I feel like venting...taking out a little wrath on a little person right now, so here goes:
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Last night, after a very pleasant day spent with my girlfriend, we decided to go to a bar. After several drinks, the topic of our conversation turned to all of the hype surrounding Farenheit 9/11 and we decided that we would go see it. So, we walked down Pacific avenue in Santa Cruz to the Del Mar theater, and bought our tickets. Seeing that the line for the first showing was extremely long, we decided it would be best if we waited the remaining 45 minutes until our showing within the warm confines of another bar. So we drink our margaritas and get even more intoxicated in preparation for what we figured would be a heated and scathing portrayal of our fine leaders in Washington. Upon finishing our drinks, we returned to the line, only to find that it had grown to be a block and a half long. Since we already had our tickets, and didn't really mind what seatrs we got, we headed to the back of this long line to patiently wait our turns to see the movie.
That's when SHE appeared.
Let me begin by saying that this woman was what I refer to as a "yippie." You see, Santa Cruz is full of people who were "there" in the sixties, and thought that being a free-spirited hippy was the proverbial bee's knees. Then the 80's happened, and they sold out all of their values, and bought into the establishment. Not that there's anything wrong with that. What's wrong, is that now that we're in the new millenium, they have decided that they miss all of the free spirit of the 60's, and that they want it back, but are also unwilling to relinquish their cellphones, SUV's, beach-front condos and Starbuck's mocha-soy-latte-frappuchino-whateverthefucks in the spirit of all that is "groovy." So instead, they buy expensive leather jackets, become buddhists, extol the virtues of a vegetarian diet, and last, but not least, they PREACH BULLSHIT TO UNSUSPECTING PASSERSBY AND WHEN CONFRONTED WITH INDIFFERENCE RESORT TO BEING PISSY AND QUOTING THE MUNICIPAL CODE!!
Fucking bitch. Where was I? Oh yes, in line...
So you see, my girlfriend and I are standing there in line, and seeing as how we were several drinks back, we naturally thought that a cigarette would be prudent. The fact that we were standing in front of a deserted construction site a block and a half away from the theater only encouraged us in this decision, considering we were in a place where we wouldn't bother anyone. Or so we thought.
But then, in mid-drag, as the glorious nicotene-laced fumes escaped from my smiling jowls, this yippie bitch gets in line behind me and does not even wait one second to declare that "you need to put out your cigarettes right now because there's a law that says you can't smoke in theater lines and I think its disgusting." "What's that?" I say. "You heard me," was her snivelling reply.
Now allow me to digress in the interest of preserving my own good character, as well as that of my lovely lady companion. You see, my girlfriend and I may be smokers, but we do not wish to inflict discomfort among the masses as a result of our habits. I agree--smoking is disgusting. It smells like shit, it makes you cough up shit that looks like leftovers from the set of "ghostbusters" and it makes people die. However, if I am offending you with my second-hand smoke, it isbest to politely say, "Excuse me, but I really don't like cigarettes, so would you mind either putting it out or moving a little further away from me while you finish it?" In this case, I would surely respond, "why yes, I am terribly sorry for offending you,and I would be more than happy to accomodate your polite request." And I would. Gladly.
However, this bitch just couldn't get off of her self-righteous horse long enough to treat me or my girlfriend like human beings. Instead, in her fuzzy little brain she simple percieved us as "smokers," or "those social outcasts who need to be taught a lesson in healthy living, post haste."
Upon hearing this very demeaning recitation of the municipal code from the yippie bitch, I replied in my most respectful manner, "I'm sorry, but this is a public sidewalk, there are no 'no smoking' signs, and besides, you're being rude. So we're going to finish our cigarettes and we'll be done in just a second."
This did not go over too well. Within seconds I was being accosted by such remarks as "you asshole! Your smoke is offensive and its illegal and you HAVE to put out your cigarette, because I say so! Its my right!"
At this point, my fellow readers, I was starting to lose my buzz because of this bitch, and that simply would not do. So I responded by blowing my smoke at her and telling her in so many words to "stick it up your yuppie ass you stupid cunt."
This rapidly devolved into a tirade of swearing, threats and further recitation of the municipal code. To which I responded by lighting up another cigarette (when I get angry, I really want to smoke). This didn't go over too well either. As she began her next tirade about the rights of the people, her wimpy, balding, birkenstock-and-sock-wearing limp-dicked husband came up and said, "what's going on here?" Belive me, his bitch of a wife was more than happy to fill him in on the details. After ascertaining the situation, and probably realising that its not a good idea to get in the way of a pissed off drunk guy and his cigarette, he stated so boldy, "well, we're just not going to talk to you anymore!"
Precious moments like these come few and far between, my friends. You must embrace them when they are present. It had been quite some time since the last argument I had resulted in one party saying "I'm not going to be your friend anymore." I felt like I was at recess all over again.
However, he seemed to be the only member of her party who was thinking rationally, so I accepted his proposal in kind and said, "your wife should have done that in the first place." She clamped up. I thought it was over.
I was wrong.
You see, even though the yippie bitch had succeeded in lowering my buzz, I was still amply intoxicated, which in turn makes me chain smoke. This time I attempted to be extra polite about it, and asked the people in front of me if they minded my smoking. They said no, but if it was weed and I wasn't sharing then they had a serious problem. I felt that this was enough of a go-ahead, so I lit up yet another cigarette.
Before the toxic gas even passed my lips, I could hear the shrill voice of my yippie antagonist say, "ohmygod! You asshole! I just told you to put out your cigarette and you lit ANOTHER one! You're breaking the law!" Please bear in mind, dear reader, that at this point she had slinked back several spaces in line to hide behind her oh-so-intimidating waif of a husband, and that my smoke was actually travelling in the exact OPPOSITE direction from where she was standing. At this point, the alcohol got the best of me.
"You self-righteous piece of shit! How dare you talk to me like I'm some form of criminal or dumb animal. Fuck you, bitch! If you don't like it, then fucking leave, because I'm not going anywhere and I'm going to smoke until the second that I enter that fucking theater! So shut the fuck up and write your local congressman about it because I don't like you or care what your small little mind has to offer! So go fuck yourself and your high horse! Fucking yippies!"
This was perhaps the most useful tactic I could have employed at that moment, because she already decided that she was right and that the law was on her side. So she proudly proclaims, "I'm going to go find a police officer and have him come give you a ticket!"
My girlfriend (god, I love her) and I responded in unison: "Please do, and get the fuck away from us!"
As the woman scuttled down the street, we and the other nice people in line began laughing. I looked back at her pasty faced husband with a scowl that simply said, "one word out of you, and I'll grab you by your shitty goatee and sweep the street with your shiny little head." He looked scared.
Of course, she was unable to locate a cop before I went into the theater (and enjoyed yet another cigarette). A cop wouldn't have done anything anyway, because I would have put out my cigarette before he saw me. I watched the yippie bitch come in while the movie had already started, and weasel her way into a rather shitty seat at the side of the theater. Karmic revenge, I thought.
So, I guess the moral of this story, is that if you're going to go see a scathing liberal movie that's full of trumped up ideas that support the writer's own beliefs, you can sure as hell expect the audience to act the same way. I did like the movie, but I definitely took it with a grain of salt. All I could think, was that here we are in line, about to see a movie about exercizing your personal rights and freedoms, and not letting the government dictate how you should live your life, and this stupid yippie bitch is quoting the fucking municipal code instead of just asking me nicely to put out my cigarette.
I hope her cellphone gives her cancer.