Wanted: Full-time job as vegetable gardener for someone who can afford to pay me a middle-class wage.
You: Rich person who likes vegetables. Must live near coast and be not crazy.
Me: Poor person who knows how to grow vegetables. Would like to live near coast. Am usually not crazy.
I will grow your vegetables. I will give them to you, and you can eat them. It will be sort of like sharecropping, except that you’ll pay me about $30,000 and provide me and my 2 cats with a place to live. My cats are neurotic and they won’t like you, so it’s best if we have accommodations outside your home. A view is preferable.
Like I said, you should live near the coast and be not crazy. I do not like growing vegetables for crazy people. Also, I do not have a car, so you would either have to buy me one or give me rides. I am small, so it’s okay if you have a compact.
This job will start in six months to a year. I need that much time to figure out how to leave my present shitty desk job with a bang. I don’t want to just say to those assholes, “Bye, I’m going to go grow some vegetables for a rich person now.” No, I want them to realize what they’re losing. It’s going to be tough, because they’ve never appreciated my many skills and talents. So, I need at least six months, maybe a year, to figure out how to make people who never appreciated me really sorry that I’m leaving.
So, please contact me. I should be able to have your vegetables in the ground for next year’s crop.
My name is Amanda, and I just want to grow tomatoes.