Considering I can't very well speak to any of my co-workers on any level resembling human-to-human communication (an example would be this morning, when I asked my boss if she ever got around to getting new head phones for her IPod, and she responded, and I quote "have you finished filing the 03' invoices?"...which created an awkward moment of "did she hear me?", which I finally gave up on and simply, sheepishly, responded "no", and my reward for that answer was a facial expression on her part that seemed more appropriate after hearing "I'm sorry, it's terminal" rather than the realization that those year-old invoices, as mission critical as their filing is, are still, shame of all shames, unfiled)So, with all this in mind,I'm going to apologize to all of you wonderful fellow cube-rats via the Rant and/or Rave section here on CL. Believe me, if I thought actual "these are real words coming out of my mouth that combine to make a sentence or two which in turn I'm hoping translates into actual communication so therefore you respond in kind, with something pertinent to what I've just said", I'd do it that way, but, per my example above, clearly that's not the case. Oh, and to Susan, in accounts payable, disregard this posting, I'm not sorry for anything I've said and/or done to you. Yes, it was me who changed the "n" and "m" keys on your keyboard, resulting in that one hilarious email you sent out that read something like "Great mews, the mew narketing plam we have inplenetd has beem..." I mean, fucking fantastic Susan. The look on your face when I said "you should really use spell check before you hit send" was priceless. All I got was a breathless "I'm a terrific speller" followed by you wallowing in your cube with the "someone will die for this" look on your face. And yes, I told everyone about it prior to your company-wide email (consider it payback for your meaningless, pointless, "please pay attention to me" emails you send to everyone! I'm not the only one who feels like vomiting every time I see your name in my inbox, so, consider what happened redemption, for everyone, done by me, to you)
Okay, on to the apologies:
Bob, in engineering: Dude, my bad. Honestly, I thought she was just some college buddy, not your girlfriend. When I said to Thomas, in Finance, upon seeing your GF walking into your cube, "you think she had ankles when she was born?" I was not only joking, but also test-driving a really bad pun I had heard early in the week. Seriously, it could have been anyone...had Mary, from pre-sales, who we all know has a rockin' bod, I would have said the same thing, simply b/c I wanted to see how the joke tested. Poor, by the way, Thomas barely lifted an eyebrow. Regardless, my bad, no harm intended. Your girlfriend is cute, really.
To Sharon, in HR: First off, what kind of idiot pisses in the HR pool? Me, that's who. I have the gall to joke around w/ a woman who has access to my HMO, dental, and paychecks? For that reason alone, you should know I meant nothing by my comment last Tuesday. I don't even know where it came from, and it certainly wasn't meant to be mean. You looked nice, I thought I'd be cute w/ my "hey, I heard green is the new pink, so good for you" comment, regarding your green skirt and off green and white blouse. Honestly, you looked good. But, with my well-earned reputation of being a heartless prick, you assumed I was mocking the green. Honestly though, isn't that what people are saying now in fashion mags, that green is the new pink? And am I the only one who wonders how any color can "be" a new version of another color? Wouldn't pink, in fact, be the new pink? Or at least the old pink? And what's with "black never goes out of style?" Why does black get off so easy? I mean, I agree that black looks good, but still, how the hell do you think that makes yellow feel? Oh, right, they're all just fucking colors...reminding me of my original point, that one color, as absurd as this may sound, is actually just that color and that color alone. If green really was the new pink, than what's pink? The old blue? You get my point. Regardless, sorry Sharon. My foot, my mouth, they're look college roommates who still live together when they're 34.
To Max, in Biz-Dev: What can I say, the name "Max" is odd to me. I took it too far, my bad.
To Dennis, also in Biz-Dev: We should probably just stop pretending we like each other. It's getting really awkward. I'm sorry for continuing the charade, and I promise I'll stop if you stop.
To Vijay, in Marketing: I know you're not related to the golfer Vijay Singh. I know me saying you are is not only a tad racist (all Fijians are the same, etc) but also just stupid, considering people's relations are not measured by their first names, but rather their last. What can I say, you've got the same first name and look like him. And yes, I admit it, the "he's entering the back nine" joke every time you walk into the bathroom is getting old. (although Carl, also from Marketing as you know, absolutley loves it.)
To Heather, the secretary: I'm just sorry you're married. You're funny, you're sweet, you're witty. Why are you our secretary again? You should be so much more...like my wife. But you're not. Good for you Steve, she's a great girl. (asshole)
To Mitty, VP of something or other: You don't know this, but I was supposed to be your secret Santa last year, but refused to play along, didn't show to the company party, and thus, you got nothing. Sorry. Keep up the good work. Whatever it is you do.
And finally, to Larry, our CE-motherfucking O: I'm sorry you hired me, i've spent the last 4 hours on espn.com, craigslist, cnn.com, sfgate.com, back to espn.com, and finally, I nodded off in the bathroom for 10 to 20 minutes. I'm a horrible employee. Horribble.