1. Amatueur used car dealers. These car flippers keep posting the same goddamn ad day after day: "Will buy ANY car! In any shape! Needs work/smog OK!" Variations include "Any Honda or Toyota truck." You claim you will buy ANY car. Yet, you are posting this amidst hundreds of ads featuring....you guessed it....cars for sale! Look assholes. It's apparent to everyone you flip cars for cash. Do your own research and homework. Deals are everywhere.
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2. The Threatener. "This is my LAST posting. Buy by Thursday, or it gets donated." Guess what asshole? Nobody cares. Donate the piece of shit and get on with your life.
3. The Detached-From-Reality Dipshit. "One owner 1986 Corolla. 234K miles. Needs a front bumper and headliner droops. Radiator leaks and needs alignment. $2300 FIRM." Hey meatstick, one owner or 10 owners, your shit is old, worn-out, and worth $300.
3. THE ALL CAPS POSTER. If I were the grammer police I'd beat this fucker over the head with my billy club. Usually accomanied by misspellings and lack and/or misuse of punctuation. LERN TO SPELL,,,,,ASSHOLE.
4. Mixed-case Poster. tHey tHhiK it'S CoOl aNd hiP tO PoSt LiKE tHis! Guess what asshole. It's not cute. It's not hip. It's just irritating.
5. The Wild-Goose-Chase Poster. "Go to XXXX address in East Palo Alto to see car. Phone number is on the car. Call if interested only AFTER seeing car." And what, hope you answer the phone after I just drove 30 miles in rush-hour traffic and finding you failed to mention the car is three different shades of primer and has expired tags? Fucking asshole.
6. Sympathy Poster. "Family of 8 needs reliable SUV for free or cheap. Can make small payments." Humorously, these ads usually contain conditions, such as "1993 or newer." Two pieces of advice for these people. First, invest in birth control, not a car. Second, generally when BEGGING you don't get to place stipulations on what you will accept. I have to feed my kids too. We all do. Assholes.
7. The Non-Reader. You've meticulously described every possible detail about your vehicle. These assholes will then email you with the utmost urgency "please call me. Have cash. Want to buy NOW." Then you call and they've apparently ingested a stupid pill. "Tell me about the car. How many miles? What year? What kind is it?" The last question they ask is always "what's the absolute bottom line you will take, come on man...I have cash." When you tell them, they offer you half that, cash today! These are usually flippers. They don't read your ad because they're fucking lazy. They just want your shit for nothing, with the least possible amount of effort. And they want you to spend your dime to call them and describe everything that is in THE AD ALREADY. Fucking assholes.
8. The Spammer. They will run their ad for an over-priced 1985 4-banger Mustang 8 times a day for three months. They are under the impression the piece of shit is worth 4 grand because it has "beat", a carrera steering wheel and a gay 10 dollar pinstriping kit from Pep Boys. And just as the villagers drove Frankenstein out of town with lit torches, this poster will not stop until the CL community starts lodging flaming shit bombs at them via email and the classifieds.
There are more. Oh yes. Watch for my next installment.
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