You are : patient, brilliant, sarcastic, honest, faithful, understanding, thoughtful, opinionated, stubborn, probably somewhat damaged, and attractive by my admittedly skewed personal standards. You should love to kiss for hours as much as you love a rough quick fuck in the dead of morning. You should not expect me to tell you what to wear, what to think, what to say or how to spend your money; you should be glad to grant me the same respect. No gifts please, they make me nervous. Most of all you should be eagerly awaiting the chance to say either you're the worst thing that ever happened to me or you've fucked up my entire life. Also acceptable is I wish I'd never met you or any variation on the theme; creativity is always a plus.
I am : a lunatic. Not available during weekdays, late-night only, and I need to be home by dawn. Hours subject to unexpected change depending on my toddler son and his father and the baffling shared-living arrangement we've got going here. I don't trust you (nothing personal, but I don't) and I am sick to death of feelings and long heartfelt talks... that's what shrinks are for, and I will start billing you if I find myself serving in this capacity. I don't currently eat animals but I don't care if you do. I am also in love with a guy who lives far away, please see following section for further details.
He is : becoming alarmingly distant, cold, and uninterested in me. I love him very much. However, I'm tired of feeling rejected and I'm lonely and I would like to be wanted by someone in my own state. This is also subject to change without warning, because if he stops blowing me off I'll go running back like the whipped puppy I am and pretend you never existed. If I think it will help I'll move over closer to him and you'll never see me again.
But hey, I am reportedly hot if some scars don't turn your stomach. Pretty face, medium height, on the small side of average, strong for a skinny chick, 100% natural, and I look the same when I wake up as I do going to bed. Also, survey says I have a nice ass. Probably the ass won't be visible unless you can talk me out of my clothes since I don't dress like an exhibitionistic hooker. No, I won't send you a picture of either me or my behind. But any appeal I may have may be moot since I won't have sex with you, my body is currently the property of someone who doesn't want the rest of me any more. Not that I blame him.
Dealbreakers : onion, garlic, animal fur (feathers and scales encouraged), smoking of any sort, STDs, poor hygiene and obsessive stalking. Unless I fall in love with you instead, which won't happen, but if it did happen then obsessive stalking would be welcomed.
Don't reply to this ad. You're not the one I want.