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When she first approached me, I found very little about her attractive. She was loud, spoke poorly other others' appearance and gulped her beer down too quickly. As the evening progressed, though, a strange sensation came over me. She seemed, in the faint light of loneliness, perhaps more attractive than I had given her credit for. Her smile, which at first seemed disingenuous, blossomed into a wide-eyed grin. Her criticisms of others, I told myself, were merely her ascerbic, well-educated wit. Normally, I don't go for redheads, but her red locks seemed, with more and more empty glasses before us, somewhat enchanting. In my mind, I likened her to a young Pinot Noir, tempermental, lush.
I didn't like all the swear words she used at first. She seemed unable to complete a sentence without saying, mother fuckin' this, mother fuckin' that. I, too, use swear words, but I find them more effective when deployed in moderation.
But, two hours and five more drinks later, I found myself comparing her to the late Lenny Bruce. Indeed, what were a few swear words every other sentence?
The fact that she made fun of all the butches in the room at first offended me, though I'm a femme myself, but after another round of Negra Modelos, found that she had the right to express her views, however harsh, just as every one else.
At two am, as she lay beneath me in my bedroom, a place I normally consider my inner-sanctum, my own slice of heaven, I wondered what the hell had happened. When she finally fell asleep, snoring all night, I prayed for the sun to rise quickly, and for her to get the hell out of my house.
It then occured to me that I had been slipped a loffie (short for low self-esteem) and that it probably slipped out of my own unwieldy pill box. Has this happened to you? How you can tell:
1 You compromise your standards because you are lonely, and cannot fathom spending another night alone at home, even though you have a great dog/cat.
2 You've already seen that episode of Law and Order SVU, and you don't feel like renting anything, so it just makes sense to have someone over.
3 The little devil perched on your left shoulder is drowning out the angel perched on your right, and you don't have the energy to quiet it down.
4 You somehow surrender your fierce nature and buy into decades of societal inculcation that tells you that: if you're over 35, not a size 2 and think too much--well, you really can't be that choosy.
HOW TO SEEK HELP:
1 Take it one day at a time. Loffie abuse is hard to get over. Try taking long walks in the woods after a recent rain, taking your dog to Stinson Beach or visiting a museum with friends. These little steps will gradually remind you of your self worth.
2 Tell your dog/cat how much you love them and see what happens. Because our canine and feline friends do not suffer from low self-esteem, they will not tempt you, through passive/agressive behaviours, to indulge once more in loffie abuse.
3 Call your local Loffie hotline: POP-CORN. Yes, that's the time, baby, and it's time to keep your chin up and give yourself a little lovin'.
Other ways to contact poster:
Valentine's Day at Cody's on 4th st. in Berkeley between 1 and 3 pm. If you're there, it was meant to be.