High Tech Martyr

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Title:

High Tech Martyr

Objective:

I am seeking a position that will utilize many years experience taking the blame for things that don't go as planned.

Experience:

Company Name withheld (2000-Present)

helped deliver a project 2 months late and $149,000 over budget
created custom reports to accurately display the level of failure
generated colorful charts and graphs to compare this failed project with more successful projects of the past
used multiple sofware packages to incorrectly track progress

Company Name withheld (1998-2000)

successfully accepted blame for a large scale enterprise software soltuion that was never completed
blindly managed 100+ resources towards no deliverable
coversaw $1.2 million allocated towards no particular goal
documented the entire process of false information with multiple software packages

Company Name withheld (1995-1998)

successfully mismanaged multiple projects for clients including Hewlett Packard, Intel, Compaq, Sony, and Toshiba
poorly documented project status with Microsoft Project, Microsoft Excel, and Task Tracker
communicated false and/or useless information to top-level management with PowerPoint
accpeted full responsibilty to save Top level management the embarrassment of failure

Other Duties:

failed holiday party (2002)
forgot to clean office kitchen (2001)
alphabetized files incorreclty (2001)
forgot to FedEx important documents (2000)
insulted CEO's wife(1984)

Additional Skills:

I am also available to screw up and accept blame for private parties, family events, office parties and bar mitzvahs

Contact:

For more information, please contact me.
No reasonable offer will be refused.

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