Originally Posted: 2006-10-24 21:38 (no longer live)

To the Patrons of Lost Weekend Video

I'm sure you agree, it's nice to live in a city where you can get on your bike and zip down to the video store . Although it seems people drive like dicks whenever a cyclist is around (I, too, am one), the streets are reasonably safe with the bike lanes, pro-bike ordinances and Critical Mass. In fact, I take the stance that, while riding my bike, I pretty much have the right of way everywhere I go, and I'm proud to know I don't have to buy gas for my bike or spend 30 minutes looking for parking but use the nearest parking meter instead. However...


Multiple times, I have come home to find a bike- be it a fixie, touring, or mountain bike- U Locked to my front door. And each time, I have gone into Lost Weekend and picked you out of the crowd. It's really not that hard, actually. When you see as many bikes as you do in this city, you can usually tell what a person is likely to be wearing when they own the type of bike they have just chained to your front door. And, since you're all safe and secure in your element, concentrating with the utmost of effort on the back panel of the DVD case, you never notice me walk right up to you and say "You need to remove your bike from my front door".

Now, you might be wondering how it is that I know you were in the video store and not the extremely popular Ritual Coffee right next door? Elementary... Although it's inconsiderate to lock your bike to someone's front door, it's inconsiderate and clueless to assume that it would be OK to obscure someone's only means of entering and exiting their apartment with a fucking bicycle for the 20 minutes it takes to get a cup of coffee from the aforementioned coffee shop. Even though I have a pretty low opinion of your reasoning skills, I don't think anyone is stupid enough to think that would be alright. So, logic dictates that you thought you would be in and out of the video store and nobody would be the wiser.

Boy, were you wrong.

So, here's the deal: I will no longer hunt you out in the video store and ridicule you in front of a captive audience. It has begun to bore me and, frankly, I have more productive ways of spending my time. Lest you think I am giving up the game, you would, once more, be wrong. What I will do, instead, is march upstairs, get my U-Lock, and make extra sure that your bike stays safe and secure while it is LOCKED TO MY FRONT DOOR. And, while I'm at it, I will call the proper authorities for their advice on how best to hack through the other U-Lock that is locking my new bike to my front door. I'm sure they wouldn't mind helping me with this, as the local cop shop is just right down the street, and I'm sure they'd like a break from their normal Mission patrols.

I really don't need another bike, and don't have the room for it. But I thank you for your gift just the same. Imagine my joy when I came home to find someone had given me the bike they had recently LOCKED TO MY FRONT DOOR. I hope you won't mind when you see that exact same bike posted on Craig's List for, oh... I don't know, $35? I know it's not much, but I know I can move the bike for that, and put it toward the rent of the apartment which belongs to the door which you just locked a bike to.

post id: 225387070