I was thinking about the subject of men and "hogging", and I realized that women need a vocabulary for when they are slumming with a guy they would never want their friends to see them with; someone to help when they are horny and need a little fix between dating hot men. Here are some of the female versions of hogging:
Cueballing - sleeping with a bald man. This doesn't apply to hot men who voluntarily shave their head. This refers to men with the sad male-pattern-baldness-ring-of-hair-like-a-monk-with-the-giant-bald-hole-at-the-top. Also applies to men who used the dreaded practice of "corrective combing" (i.e. the heinous comb-over), and men who have hair plugs that make their scalp look like a doll's head. You know, the neat perfect rows of hair sprouts that looks a minature farmer planted a crop of hair on their head.
Usage: "I wasn't at the party the other night because I was cueballing with that nerd from accounting."
Gnoming - getting laid by a short man. The little midgets have a lot of pent-up anger from being tiny and always being stepped on, so why not use a little of that passion to your advantage? As long as you never have to go out in public with them, you can experience that fireball with the Napoleon complex and see what he can do for you. Double points if you land a cueball gnome (this species is usually in management), as he will have twice the attitude and a chip on his shoulder that is bigger than him. Of course he will be total bitter asshole, but who cares? It's not like you're going to marry him, or even ever acknowledge his presence in public ever again.
Usage: "I gnomed Susie's little dwarf of a brother and I couldn't walk for a week."
Lovett-ing - doing an ugly man. Julia Roberts made the huge faux-pas of marrying her lovett, and no one is surprised that it didn't work out. But you can lovett, just don't be stupid like she was. You don't want lovett kids, do you? Lovetting tip - KEEP THE LIGHTS OFF.
Usage: "My roommate caught me lovetting that snaggle-toothed kid from Starbucks. I had to pay her to keep quiet."
Of course, women have their own version of hogging. I call it farley-ing, in honor of the late Chris Farley. Farleying is where you tag the funny fat man who is always the life of the party. Everyone loves having him around to laugh at/with, and he's probably very good at oral (he obviously loves to eat). The dark side of farleying is that it can sometimes be difficult to find a farley's package under the big belly. So it is probably safe to only do an "oral farley".