Originally Posted: 2003-09-30 12:38pm
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favorite this post FOR HIRE: Desperate, unskilled, useless intellectual hide this posting unhide


Seriously, someone please hire this utterly, utterly useless man.

I'll do pretty much anything, although something requiring copious amounts of physical labour would probably not be advisable since I'm relatively weak. I am able and willing to work the following hours:

9:00am - 11:00pm, Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday
3:00pm - 11:00pm, Friday

And by willing and able to work, I mean I will work straight from 9am to 11pm if that's what you need and I won't sue or anything. In January this will mostly likely change to exclusive swing shift hours (3pm-12am) seven days a week. Despite being fairly useless, I do have a few skills, all of which are, of course, also fairly useless (there are others not listed here, feel free to ask):

1) Knowledge of UNIX administrative programming in a number of languages (most shells, Perl, some Python, Tcl/expect)

2) Communist and Post-Communist studies, including Africa and Central Asia

3) Various aspects of Political Science, including but not limited to: American government, political theory, politics of the European Union, international relations, comparative politics, etc.

4) Ability to speak in very slow, broken German or French, though an ability to read a bit more quickly in the same

5) Typing, filing, faking decent phone voice, anything for which one would normally hire a temp worker

6) History of 20th Century United States, Europe/Russia, and China, mostly Cold War studies, though knowledge of general world history

7) Ability to ejaculate and therefore donate sperm if need be (although cancer and depression run in my family, just as a fair warning)

8) Ability to nitpick people over grammatical mistakes in everyday speech

9) Extensive knowledge of the musical works of Bob Dylan, Neil Young, the Beatles, and a few others, as well as the ability to play songs by the same when provided with a guitar (left handed) or, in some cases, piano (harmonica left to your discretion)

10) Ability to teach these skills to someone else if so desired (except for the ejaculation; if you can't do that, you're on your own)

Just so you know, I can also be drunk and do all these things in case you wanted to hire me for ambiance in your bar or something. My past employment includes stints as a UNIX systems programmer, a web designer, tutoring at City College of San Francisco for various subjects (largely history, political science, and economics) as well as private, one-on-one tutoring for history and political science. Some jobs I believe I would do well based on past experience or job offers:

1) Private tutor in history or political science

2) Research assistant, or writer for your graduate thesis (I won't tell)

3) Governor of the State of California

4) Retail at an independently owned toy store that doesn't sell those G.W. Bush action figures

5) Disaffected record store guy, although without piercings

6) General monkey/whipping boy/whore for adult website (when the job was offered to me, I believe it was a bondage website, but I'll take anything I don't find reprehensible)

7) Teacher as long as you don't mind lack of a degree

8) Street musician

9) Writer for a sitcom no one understands

10) Carrying a sign around imploring people to impeach various public figures (hey, Frank must have a sick day every now and then)

So, yeah, I need a job. The girlfriend is going to UCB and doesn't really have the time to work. Deal is, I keep her alive for the next two years, then she pays for me while I finish my degree and go to law school or something. That's really none of your concern, but in case you were wondering why I am so incredibly desperate. So, yes. Please hire me. Please?

Résumé (written more seriously than this), references, endorsements, recommendations, and pictures of my cute, loving, adorable cat who will starve to death if I don't find a job available upon request. San Francisco location preferred.

--Michael

Nota Bene - No, I will not engage in sexual acts for pay... however, you are welcome to buy my time and, well, what happens during that time is completely up to me... ahem...


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