Originally Posted: 2003-09-04 13:27

The Mother of all Farts - a true story

I'm not sure what I had eaten beforehand that would conspire to create such horrible gas reaction in my internal system. Normally, I giggle like everyone else at the sound of a well timed or particularly creative fart. Not this time. No laughing matter. This was literally horrific.

I'm shopping alone in the canned vegitables isle at Safeway. My stomach churned loudly and I released what I though was a normal if not somewhat aggressive fart. I stood for a moment and sniffed, as we all instinctively do...and was instantly hit with an ordor so strong that it took my breath away. I'm 50 years old and have smelled and dealt some pretty atrocious stinkbombs in my time. This was orders of magnitude worse (or better depending upon your frame of mind) than anything I had ever experienced. I began to run down the isle to escape and seek fresh air. I swear the fart was following me. A good thirty feet away, the nasty smell was as strong as at ground zero.
Imagine the potency. I did everything I could to hold down a projectile barf.

And then to my horror, as I looked back, a very old lady with a walker turned the corner and began to walk right toward the impact zone. Unless my eyesight was somehow distorted by the event, I clearly saw a light green cloud hovering at ground zero. I am not kidding. And before I could do anything, she entered the cloud and immediately staggered several steps back as if she walked into a brick wall, covered her mouth and dropped her handbag.

I retreated around the corner and out of sight, cringing like a little boy about to be bullied. I just couldn't look. I'm a healthy man and it clearly over-powered me. I could only imagine what state she was in, especially if she was still trapped in that impact zone.

So I don't know what eventually happended to that old lady. But I am truely very sorry. God forbid if she had a heart attack or suffered any long term disability. Hopefully she just got up, brushed herself off, sued safeway and and is now living comfortably.

Me ? I'm OK. But I have to live with my damaged karma and the thought that if I did it once it can happen again...

post id: 15806324