Originally Posted: 2006-03-15 23:34 (no longer live)

No more - this is my line in the sand.

Editor's note from Oskar K. Tannenbaum, PhD.
What follows is the last known recorded work of Anthony F., shortly before his disappearence on March 15th, 2006. Researches speculate that Mr. F succombed to his unfortunate habit of overscheduling himself and committing his time to too many people, and left his final words of guidance for mankind on the eve of what he understood to be a potentially permanent descent into madness.

However, experts are, as of yet, uncertain of the true intent behind this piece - its sheer randomness undermines any pretense of a definitive final summary of his prescriptions for humanity.

In fact, we at Free University of Berlin are hesitant to even label this piece as "authentic." Thus, the reader should proceed with caution and realistic expectations.

Oskar Tannenbaum, PhD
Spring, 2006

Malice Aforethought: A Final Testament
by A.D.F.

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{signal received from gentrified oakland 19:42:50'88 03152006}

Hello All,

I don't have much time - I fear that no one will continue my work after I go. This message contains the eleven phenomenon within American culture that are in need of urgent, immediate remedy. I have organized them in order of importance and gravitas. The list begins with items that are mere grotesque annoyances. The list ends with a discussion of things that threaten civilization as we know it. Pour yourself a glass of grain liquor and brace yourselves.

1. Cars with Four Headlights

I'm sure that you people who drive these abominations worked very, very hard beging your parents/girlfriend for the extra money to lower your Acuras, fix a spoiler onto the back, slap a sticker of Calvin peeing on some corporate logo on the back, and install your second set of headlights.

However, I'm lucky to derive vicarious benefit from it - all that extra light blasting through my back window not only helps be find that damned rearview mirror that I keep losing, it helps me reload my clip in preparation for the time when you finally get sick of tailgating me and try to pass me. Thanks guys.

2. Misuse of Homonyms by...well...EVERYONE

For the record:

"Than" is used when making comparisons. "Then" is used to describe events in sequence.

"Your" is a possessive adjective. "You're" is a contraction of "you are," and should be used only in cases where the two-part form is also proper.

"To" is a preposition, most commonly used to target and focus verbs ("I mailed the package to my father.") "Too" is used either in place of the word "also," or to say that there is "too much" of something.

3. Girls with Oversized Sunglasses

This shit needs to stop immediately (unless you're Elton John - since you invented this, I'll let you stick with it for just a little while longer).

4. People using Alanis Morisette's Grotesquely False Definition of "Ironic" in daily speech

IRONY: Noun -An incongruity (contradition) between what is expected in a particular situation and what actually happens (note: "Irony" takes a very different definition in the context of literature - this is the most widely known definition).

Irony: A fire-extinguisher factory burning to the ground.
Non-Irony: Rain on your wedding day (this is just bad luck, NOT IRONY)

5. Online Surveys

Taking the time to answer 200 random Yes/No questions about your cell phone/number of "crushes"/number of tattoos tells us nothing about you as a person. It makes no progress in mapping your psyche, and reveals nothing more than an overabundance of free time.

For those who want to truely reveal intimate fascets of your personality, submit a written answer to the following hypothetical question....you just may learn a little about yourself in the process.

Scenario: Apocolypse WOW
The brain-eating-zombie virus has finally spread across the entire North American continent, and the rest of the world has placed your quadrant of the Earth under quarantine and left the survivors to fend for themselves. You remain holed up in your apartment/house/mother's basement, and have mustered the courage to venture into the world outside.

Question A: What would finally make you venture into the outside world in the first place? Why not just curl up and die? What fuels your will to survive?

Question B: Describe the type of fellow survivor you would be most willing to help. What would you expect in return?

Question C: You and an attractive stranger of the opposite sex are charged with the duty or repopulating the continent. How will you remake society so as to avoid all the unsightly mistakes of the last one?

Makes you think, don't it?

6. The Sad Decline of Rudy Ray Moore

Rudy Ray Moore is a cinematic artist like none other. His artistic credits include:

Dolemite - where Mr. Moore plays a pimp whose "hoes" know Kung Fu and use it to clean up the streets

The Avenging Disco Godfather - where Mr. Moore plays Tucker, a retired cop-turned-disco DJ-turned vigilante when his nephew picks up an addiction to P.C.P.

For the money that Sting spent on penile enhancement surgery, or the money that Axl Rose stuffed into the G-strings of Brazilian pole-dancers, Rudy Ray Moore could have made more than two-dozen movies about kung-fu prostitutes (but I'm not one to romanticize what might have been)...

7. Hipsters

When the trucker-style mesh baseball cap becomes part of the uniform, it's no longer "ironic" (as everyone now knows, since we've set the record straight on THAT issue). Pabst Blue Ribbon still sucks - it has sucked ever since the long bygone days when it was the official beverage of the actual, honest-to-god American working class. Drinking it thus CANNOT make you cool.

8. "It sure is cold outside, so SO MUCH FOR GLOBAL WARMING."

No one, anywhere, at anytime, is allowed to use the increasingly cold temperatures that we're witnessing during wintertime as proof against global warming.

It is irrefutably true that the average temperatures on Earth have increased. It is also irrefutable that both the arctic and antarctic icecaps have been steadily shrinking.

Warmer temperatures mean that more ice is falling into the ocean, and thus temporarily cooling the waters that reach North America. Furthermore, since more moisture is being evaporated into the atmosphere, a greater amount of precipitation in the winter is to be expected.

Thus, unusually cool winters DO NOT UNDERMINE GLOBAL WARMING. You are still free to disagree on whether there is in fact global warming if you really insist. HOWEVER: no one is allowed to cite cold days during the winter as evidence of this view (ever....I mean it, not ever).

9. The phrase "Support the Troops" being used to silence all criticism of the war in Iraq

Supporting the troops means not sending them overseas to die in a country that sees them as colonizers. It means not inventing false reasons for starting a pre-emptive war that "coincidentally" profits all the companies involved in Bush Jr.'s criminal empire, and creating support for such a war by scaring people shitless with the collective weight of the American media monopoly.

10. "Executive Power"

I apologize in advance for the canned summary of Constitutional Law I that is necessary for a full explanation of why George W. Bush is a threat to the very fabric of American government.

Article II of the Constitution clearly states that the only powers that the president of the United States has are those "necessary and proper" to "faithfully execute" the laws passed by congress. This was pointed out in the Supreme Court's holding in Youngstown Steel Co. v. Sawyer, where Harry Truman attempted to seize American steel mills to keep them producing war materials for use in Korea while the workers striked.

Any "inherrent" powers the executive branch has but that remain unlisted in the Constitution are exclusively in the realm of foriegn relations - the President is in fact the only branch of government vested with powers in the international sphere, and certain powers must be inherrent to any "head of state."

Thus, when the text of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act specifically forbids eavesdropping on the private communications between people in the United States, the President has now power to do anything but "faithfully execute" this law. Thus, Bush's eavesdropping on suspicious-looking Arab-American citizens and members of P.E.T.A. cannot be justified under any half-cocked bullshit about executive power.

11. Intelligent Design

Do you enjoy electricity? Jet engines? Semi-conductors?

Thank the scientific method. Almost all of the technological progress that mankind has enjoyed has taken place in the past 300 years. This is thanks to a system of thought that focuses only on natural explanations for phenomenon in the world around us that survive numerous tests and retests.

The "theory" of evolution was also derived from this same marvelous mode of thought. However, let us define our terminology: technically, evolution is in fact only a "theory." However, "gravity" to this day is referred to as Newton's Theory of Gravitation. EVERYTHING in science is a theory, since the only proof that scientists rely upon for formulating their beliefs are PAST observations of PAST events.

However, take comfort in the fact that this minor technicality does nothing to impair the "truth" of scientific observations the next time you use a USB flash drive; everytime you plug one in, you are single-handedly proving the truth of Quantum Mechanics.

Thus, no true scientific theory would look at the complexity of the world around us, throw up its hands and say, "It's SO COMPLEX! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! IT MUST HAVE BEEN A SPOOKY INVISIBLE FATHER FIGURE LIVING IN THE SKY WHO CREATED IT."

This is not to say that there might not be some sort of creator - however, calling the belief in such a being "science" is anathema to the very underpinnings of our civilization as we know it.

In sum - you are free to believe in it. However, you're not allowed to call it "science."



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