I have a major issue with the rules that women have in public restrooms, especially the rules involving taking a #2. For some reason there is this unspoken rule that women can not let other women hear them poop. I have only two choices when it comes to ‘letting it all out’:
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A. Sit on the toilet and hold it in until all of the other occupants have left the restroom
B. Strategically cough or flush just as the poo splashes into the water. (Considered more risky and more obvious)
The other day as I sat on the toilet, I cursed the blonde at the mirror reapplying her third coat of makeup. For 2 minutes I sat uncomfortably trying to hold in the four cups of cherries I had eaten the day before. Peeking through the gap in the door I saw the blonde finishing up with her hair flipping, just ready to exit. I figured that I was almost in the clear to let it fly, but as she exited another women entered. I silently cursed to heaven as this woman went to the stall next to me. I waited to hear the stream of pee….nothing sounded. After thirty seconds of nothing, I realized that I was in a poop-off, that we were both attempting option ‘A’ at the same time. This had never happened to me before and I was not sure what to do. I tried to make her aware that I had already claimed ‘A.’ I fumbled with the tp holder, scuffled my feet, coughed, etc; she stayed quiet, no noise, no pee, no toilet flush. I realized that I was going to have to think fast or she was going to hear me make my drop. I decided to switch out of mode ‘A’ and into ‘B.’ I flushed the toilet and tried to let it flow as fast as possible. When the sound of the flush stopped, I squeezed tight. I then coughed and flushed again, hoping that it would be the last time. I was able to get it all out, but just as the flushing stopped I accidentally let out a fart. I tried to cough it away, but it was too late she heard me. I wiped, flushed, zipped up, washed my hands, and tried to get out as fast as possible. I went to the elevator, pressed the button, and waited. As I stood there, another woman approached. She looked down at my shoes, then looked up at me and smiled. I looked down at her shoes and recognized them as the ones that were in the next stall over. I looked up at her laughing smile. I was now the farter.
From here on out I instate a new bathroom rule:
C. If someone is already in mode A., you are not allowed to use this option. You must use B.