Iím not the ranting type and I doubt I have half enough rage to make this a good one. But, Iíve still got to get it out of my system.
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Okay, hereís the deal: I lift weights. Some people collect stamps, some people play soccer, I lift weights. And, Iíve got a muscular physique as a result. Iím not huge, probably because I'm just not designed to get body-builder big. Here are the answers to the FAQs so you wonít have to wonder about the rest:
1) Yes, I was born a female. Did you just win $5 from a friend who bet you that you werenít enough of a jerk to ask me that?
2) No, Iím not on steroids. I lift weights and eat right. Look, do a few hours of Madden 2004 and a few bonghits get you a few steps closer to the Madden Bowl? Of course it does. Likewise, what I did with my two hours has made my delts show. By the way, nothing wrong with a nice BH of something decent. I'm into lifting, not nunnery.
3) Yes, I do want attention. Are you kidding? Who doesnít? But, Iím not some desperate self-esteem case that wants the approval that daddy never gave me. But, just like the girl with the c-cup rack, I like to show off my best assets. Thing is, my best assets are my shoulders and arms and thatís why I have 5 different colors of the same tank top. Yes, I know itís 48 degrees out tonight but Iím still not wearing a jacket and neither are the other girls waiting in line.
4) No, I will not flex for you. For godís sake, why would you ask that? Didnít you realize that you said that loud enough for everyone at the party/in the train/in the next booth over to hear that? Donít embarrass me. Back to the girl with the c-cup, did you shout for her to flash a bare nipple at you? So, why would you ask me to ďflexĒ for you? Look, I have a decent face, and hard-earned muscle definition. Iím glad you noticed. Iím proud of it and Iím happy to talk your ear off about lifting and creatine and metabolic optimizers if you want. But, just donít make me feel self-conscious about it. Flatter me and give me just a smidge of an opportunity to show some false humility about it.
5) No, Iím not into girls. Please. Sure, if Jessica Biel wanted me to get boozy with her and then asked me if I ever ďfeel confusedĒ Iím sure Iíd consider a little exploring and spelunking. But, otherwise, guys only.
6) No, I will not ďhave your backĒ if you decide to give the evil eye to the chick who took your boyfriend/took your spot at the bar/spilled Corona on your shoe/left pee on the toilet seat just before you went in. Iíve never been in a fight and I donít even do tae-bo. I know, the guns made you think otherwise. But my combat style would consist of running away and flailing my arms and Iíd probably add a urine puddle just for good measure. By the way, donít point a ďthatís my bodyguardĒ thumb my way across the room and think I didnít notice. I donít care if you get your ass kicked, just donít make me run tonight, I already worked out today.
7) No, I donít date bodybuilders only. First of all, professional bodybuilders donít workout at Seattle Fitness. Okay, maybe Golds. Iím not sure where they go but they do it as a full-time job and donít have much of a life outside liver tablets, distilled water and sleeping 10 hours per day. Will I date a guy who is 50 pounds overweight and a smoker? I dunno. Do I like guys with muscles? Heck yes. Doesnít your girlfriend? So, donít ignore me just Ďcause you think Iíll beat you in armwrestling.
8) Yes, I did sweat some of my boobs away but Iím at a B even on a good day. Just remember that boobs are fat and Iíve tried to get rid of most of my fat so that youíll think I have nice quads.
9) Yes, I attempted to compete in a few bodybuilding competitions and I didnít even place. I know I look buff when itís my turn to break at Belltown, but it takes 12 hours per day of commitment to win those things and I have a full-time job that pays better than the gamble of trying to be a full-time bodybuilder.
10) No, for the love of god, do not strip down to your wife-beater at the party and show me your biceps. Not only will I not return the pose, Iíll probably bolt because now youíve made a scene and made me paranoid that the nice looks I was getting are actually unfriendly check-out-the-freak stares.
11) No, I have not considered professional wrestling. First of all, please see question 6. Second, Iím 5í5,Ē so even with 3Ē of heels I donít make the cut for modeling, wrestling or probably even walking the round number card at a Toughman Contest.
12) No, Iím not protesting too much by going on about my muscles, my guns, etc. Look, just like any girl or guy who likes their body, I donít mind getting nice attention for mine. I work hard at it and I think I look good. The big boobed girl wants you to look at her chest, the guy with the washboards wants you to ďforceĒ him to take off his shirt and I enjoy your admiring glances at my guns. Maybe Iíll cut back on the lifting someday or maybe even squeeze out a few kids and grow an ass. But for now, Iím that chick with the muscles. Please be a cool guy about it.
13) Yes, I saw the episode of Entourage, I don't think she was all that built and I didnít know who Evander Holyfield was until I saw that episode.
14) No, I donít like to ďtake controlĒ in bed, I donít like it rough and I donít think itís physically possible to fuck someone to death. By the way, I heard you say that to you buddies after I walked in. Keep your stupid voice down and get some manners.
15) Did you just touch my arm? Dude, what the hell? You just walk up to random people and squeeze their arm? Did you think that if you grabbed my upper arm as I walked by, Iím going to stop and a spotlight will light me up as I strip into a posing bikini and do a front double-bicep for you? If weíre dating, dancing, having sex, or saving me from a burning building, feel free to touch my biceps all you want. Otherwise, youíre just gropy and Iíll do everything I can to act startled and accidentally spill my drink on you.
16) No, I have not considered being a stunt-woman. Extrapolate from Question 6.
17) Sure, I will come over for a photo session with you. Simply show me your business card that identifies you as a professional photographer with a website that lists the various fitness magazines or commercial products who purchase your photo work. Oh, you usually do artistic photos? Oh, thatís okay, again, just hand me your professionally produced business card that directs me to your website that shows your years of photo work and dedication to the arts. Oh, you just do photography as a hobby? Sure thing, just give me the address and time of night youíd like me to come to your apartment. Should I come alone wearing my bikini and an overcoat? How long should I stay? Do I have to blow you or can I just use my hands?
18) Absolutely, Iíve seen the websites with muscular girls oil wrestling and Iím totally going to sign up for one of those. Yep, youíre right, maybe theyíll pay me even more than $1,000 to have some 40 year old anger-management dropout put her ass in my face. I mean geez, Iím sure my parents, friends, family, present and future employers have never heard of video downloads circulating on the internet so Iím totally into it.
19) Yes, I think I could probably lift you up, and possibly lift you over my head. I get this question from time to time. Where in godís name did that fantasy come from?
20) Yes, you can ask me how or why I got into lifting. I enjoy talking about it. But, you cannot shout across the room all of your jerk theories about why I lift such as the fact that Iím a tranny/Iím a lesbo/I need a man/I need a woman/I hate men/I hate women/ I grew up angry/I have too much time on my hands so why donít I iron your clothes and mow the lawn.
21) No, Iím not a specialty fetish prostitute. But, I read the Stripper Rant in the Best Of section, so if you actually show me the $10,000 and youíre not hideous I promise I will actually consider itÖ for a non-refundable deposit.
- no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests