Shortly, very shortly, you will figure out that I am a total loser. As much as I tried to prepare you for the *shock*, I know you will still be surprised. I am an indecisive, overly sentimental, insecure, sexually fucked-up, beautiful L-O-S-E-R. Right now, I know you are thinking wonderful things about me, but soon enough you'll figure out that i S-U-C-K, and then you'll leave me. And I'll let you go away without a peep, because I knew from the beginning that you'd leave so there's no surprise. The biggest surprise is that you stuck around longer than I thought you would.
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But do NOT doubt that I will TOTALLY disappoint you in EVERY way.
Oh, and I cannot cook, either, which you'll find out when you open my empty fridge and see only salad dressing and packets of ketchup and salsa. And I talk to my dog all the time when I'm alone. I don't make my bed E-V-E-R (other than changing the bedsheets weekly), except when my parents come over. I do laundry and clean my home, but I like my privacy so I'll probably never ask you to come over and see it. I lie about being busy on the weekends because usually I'd prefer to watch TV until 2am.
Oh, and I've slept with 10 men but, if you ever ask, I'm gonna say 5. Not only do I eat cold pizza, but instead of putting it in the fridge after I eat a slice, I leave the pizza on the kitchen counter for a couple days and pick at it, room temperature (hell, the processed cheese alone will prevent it from rotting, right?).
I don't shave my legs or underarms unless I'm going to be seen naked. Otherwise, I just wear my jeans and a longsleeve t-shirt. I smoke cigarettes, but have lied to you and said I hated tobacco. I still sleep with a stuffed animal, and if it's missing I stay awake all nite. I like going to tanning salons, yes I know I'll get skin cancer, but I love the warm womb of the tanning beds.
Ah yes, you like how thin I am? I take tons of diet pills. Yes, I know the pills are even worse than the tanning beds, but I hate so many foods that it's easier. Oh, and your "favorite" restaurant that I say I love: it really sucks and i HATE the food there. But I'm sure as hell not going to cook for you!
And my last confession: I really like you more than I want to say. You're the first guy since 1993 that I think about constantly and play little games like adding Mrs. [my first name] to [your last name], etc. But you'll never know, cause I'm too embarrassed to tell you, even when you kiss me and say you love me. Because i SUCK, and I'd rather go down in a Blaze of Stoic Glory than be cast aside after I've admitted that I love you. Because it's only a matter of time before you discover these, and so many other, pitiful things about me and hit the Road and I'll never see you again.
this is in or around Your Crushed Dreams