Hello! I'm looking for an expensive loser!! Could this be you? I don't ask for much these days. At my age, the fish that used to be in the barrel are dwindling in number, so lets see if you stack up to my extremely high expectations:
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1. Please do not have your own mode of transportation. I expect to pick you up and drive you everywhere, including dates that you can't afford to take me on, work, to see your kids and to deliver you to your drug dealer's at 3 in the morning.
2. Please have at least three addictions! I prefer alcohol, pot and cigarettes. Cocaine habit a plus! Please do not share your substances with me as I prefer to buy my own. In fact, please borrow my money to purchase yours!
3. Please live with your mother. If this is not possible becasue you don't know who she is, then please live in a big house with five other guys and a six foot graffix bong you call "chewbongka". Please have no furniture except a pool table and a kegerator. Your bed, if you have one, should be a futon matress on the floor soaked in cat piss, beer, or both.
4. If I get my way, you will not recognize any of the good things I do. Instead, you should gripe about imaginary things that you obsess about because of your meth addiction.
5. Do not be accountable at all for your actions. Please realize that if your life sucks, it's clearly my fault and I should be a better girlfriend. I would appreciate it if you understood that it's because of my lack of consideration that you are too hungover to work. It is also because of me that you end up in jail, therefore, I will bail you out and you won't have to pay me back.
6. Please have poor credit. It's part of my dream that I have to add you to my cell phone account and bank account because you are unable to obtain these things under the name you are currently using. You must be at least $40,000 in debt. That debt will not include a home or a car because you wouldn't have either of those. If you do, you are automatically disqualified.
7. Always remember: POT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME! In fact, so is beer, and so are other women you don't know. I should come about 8th on the list of important things in your life: behind blow jobs in balboa park but ahead of your family.
8. You must owe back child support that I will help you pay.
9. Please yell at me LOUDLY and OUTSIDE my front door so that I will be evicted.
10. Whatever you do, don't cut your hair, shave, wear deoderant or brush your teeth. Also, wear shitty clothes when we go out... the last thing I need is to feel "proud" to be seen with you. Please spit in public and scratch your balls whenever you can. I would also appreciate it if your pants were so low that everyone could see your underwear and/or asscrack. Nothing says "hot" like pants that don't fit. Sleeveless shirts a plus.
11. When we make out, say things to me like "grab it" and "suck me off". I also LOVE to have a man put his hands on my head and push it into his crotch. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances try to give me an orgasm. This will only lead to pleasure, which I am not accustomed to.
So...do you meet my needs? If so, don't ever call or write. I love waiting and wondering!