To the person who left his nasty used condom on my car antenna last night:
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Thank you for leaving your used condom on my car antenna. I realize that I put you up to it by having an antenna that doesn't retract when the car is parked. I also realize that you probably thought you were doing me a favor since I didn't have anything else on my antenna like a Weinerschnitzel dog or a Jack-In-The-Crack head. It was bare and begging for your little white flag wagging in the breeze.
Thank you also for making my date more romantic. There is nothing like coming back from an innocent late night stroll along the beach to find used spew rapped in rubber. I was touched that a stranger would do this for me.
Although I was tempted to leave it there for all the world to see, I decided that the flat of water in my trunk no longer needed its cardboard tray. I hope you are not disappointed that I didn't pull it off with my hand and used the tray instead. I debated keeping the remains that stuck to the cardboard after I flicked off your present, but decided that the trash can deserved some of your gift too.
Thank you again for the present. You are too generous. Let's do it again sometime. You know where to find me...