Исх. размещ.: 2005-08-28 01:52 (no longer live)

Do's and Don'ts for Selling Crap on Craigslist

Why do some people just turn into fucking idiots online? Let's be honest, what you're selling you're selling for 2 reasons- 1. What you're selling is crap, and you know it, and want desperately to get rid of it...or 2. You need the money. Both are fine, but they're too many people going about it wrong, so I've put together this nice list of faq's for you to help you in your journey.

Q: Why aren't people leaping out the door to buy my upholstered 1980's sofa for 900?

A: Cuz most people aren't fucking stupid. 1980's isn't vintage yet (despite what VH1 wants you to believe) and no fool is paying 900 bucks for a sofa with 1 1/2 armrests, a giant hole in the middle, and bright green fabric with ketchup stains on it. Time to move that bad boy on to the free section of CL. Get it out of your house now. It's embarrassing. Hopefully you dont have people over. Shame on you.

Q: My postings been up every day for 7 months. Why hasn't it sold? I'm asking a good price and tell people that I can email them a pic upon request?

A: People are too fucking lazy. One of CL's best features is browsing. Who the hell wants to take the time to email you to ask for a picture? Have you SEEN some of the stuff up for sale? Plus you look like a douche for not posting the pic in the first place. You can't tell people you have a pic and not put it up. Retard.

Q: My furniture is all new, but I have to sell it quick because I'm moving to the other side of the country. Why isn't my stuff selling fast?

A: Because you can't post an ugly ass dining room set up for 2000 firm that you "originally spent 4000 on 3 months ago" and expect to get it. Why should I have to pay for your horrible taste in furniture? You bought it. You messed up. You're eating that one. Lower your price to 500 and thank your lucky stars you're getting that. Oh. And when you move into your new place on the other side of the country- HIRE A FUCKING DECORATOR. You shouldn't be allowed to buy your own furniture anymore-unless you plan on keeping it for life.

Q: I bought a new desk for my computer so I'm selling my old one. Why is no one buying it?

A: Because you're asking for $275 for a VENEER desk! What are you crazy? It's not even real wood! Try 50 and you may get a few bites. Hell I can go to Walmart and buy a brand new veneer desk for 40 bucks. Come on.

Q: Oh yeah smart ass? My desk is made out of oak and no one will buy it for 325. Answer me that one.

A: Look at your pic of the desk again. IT'S FROM THE 70's! Just because it's real wood doesn't make up for the fact that IT'S FUCKING UGLY. You might get $100 from some poor sap if you're lucky.

Q: My bedroom set has been sitting in my garage for 5 months. I'm asking a reasonable price. How come no one will buy it?

A: Chances are if it's been sitting in your garage for 5 months it's probably not smelling very nice-especially if it's a mattress. Would you want to put your face down on that now? Mark it down to half of what you're asking and you may get your garage back...for things a garage is supposed to be used for...like parking cars. AND STOP PUTTING FURNITURE IN THE GARAGE! Or outside for that matter. Who the hell wants to buy a couch or mattress that's outside lying on the ground in the pics you post? What is the matter with you people? We're looking to buy furniture yeah, but we're not fucking homeless.

Q: I have a beautiful and elegant entertainment center up, but no one has emailed or called me about it. Why?

A: Oh for the love of god. If there's one problem that has been troubling poor poor CL for the longest time...ABUSE OF ADJECTIVES. Try looking up the meaning to the words you put in your description. If they don't match your item, DON'T PUT IT IN THE AD! How many times have I fucking seen the words "Elegant" "Unique" "Beautiful" "Gorgeous" "Modern" "Spectacular" and "Custom"posted in ads that just aren't true? I'll tell you. 198,983 times. Here's what these words really mean when you see them on CL
"Elegant" = fucking old
"Unique" = fucking ugly
"Beautiful" = if I was blind
"Gorgeous" = seller is on crack
"Modern" = probably from the late 1980's to mid 90's
"Spectacular" = overeagerness to unload obvious piece of crap
"Custom" = so fucking ugly there's only one in the world thank god

Generally- just try to price your items more reasonably. You're not getting over 1000 for a couch- unless it's new and made of leather. You're not getting 3 grand for your bedroom set-unless it also fucking makes you pancakes. You're not getting 500 for a cheap ass entertainment center that can be bought new at a store for cheaper. Let it go. Stop being a tight ass. Try using prices that someone may actually pay.

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