10) To the mechanic I took out to dinner who said his nickname was the “Lube Specialist” - next time tell me about your wife and son before you invite me over. Better yet, before I take you out to dinner at all. It was nice – albeit unexpected – to meet them, I’m sure. I’m not sure your wife shared the sentiment.
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9) To the best friend of my last boyfriend who propositioned me during his house-warming party - you were my boyfriend’s best childhood friend. Remind me not to take friendship/loyalty lessons from you. You just moved in with your girlfriend two weeks prior – why? Opening a proposition with, “Hard nipples turn me on,” isn’t going to make me tear off my clothes. Finally, the aforementioned proposition happening directly in front of your girlfriend with almost no reaction from her was not only disgusting on your part, but kind of disturbing behavior on her part. Get me the hell OUT of this Bermuda Triangle for insanity.
8) To the guy I made out with on my friend’s patio when we were both drunk after killing a bottle of Bicardi Silver and Absolut – I don’t want to date you, and I’m sorry in your eyes that makes me a … what was it again? Callous slut? I didn’t know how to tell you then, or even now, that the inside of my lower lip might still have some residual bleeding. That’s why I said no to giving you my phone number – the thought of kissing you again made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Don’t worry though; I’ve since slaughtered the friend that caved to pressure and donated my number to your cause. If only you’d stop calling six times a day. It’s been a month.
7) To the guy I met over shared favorite movie lines while our friends were flirting – I invited you to a BBQ at a friend’s house after a few phone conversations in which you expressed a desire to have more female friends and get to know me better. Why you thought five minutes after walking through the door it was sexy or convincing to proposition me (in front of my friends) with, “I just came to fuck. Yes or no so I can plan my night?” still escapes me. Your irritation when I didn’t accept your offer is even more baffling than a heat-wave in January.
6) To the guy who called me “foolish” because I wouldn’t quit my job and move into your house to join the harem you were building in exchange for having my student loans paid off – this is America guy. I’ll pay off my own loans without whoring myself out in the process. Clue: it’s just MONEY. There’s tons of it floating around for those of us willing to work hard for it.
5) To the guy who dated me for three months before one of your posse finally broke it down about your fiancé/girlfriend of FOUR YEARS – seriously, you’re fucked in the head, and where the hell is your fiancé/girlfriend during all this? We were together A LOT – is she brain dead?
4) To the woman who would be an awesome friend if only she’d respect my boundaries – I’m straight. I don’t need to experiment with you to confirm this. Stop trying to kiss me when you’re intoxicated, and if you touch my ass again, we won’t be hanging out any more, and this doesn’t indicate homophobia. It indicates self-respect and/or standards. Take your pick.
3) To the guy who I went on a few dates with who was so nervous around me he either stuttered and/or made fun of me to alleviate his nervousness – they just weren’t good dates, and they didn’t improve over time. I’m sorry, because you’re a genuinely nice person. I’m even more sorry that you told my friends that you would have preferred I lied and pretended to have a boyfriend. I’m not sure I have that much energy in me to spare you from … what did you tell them? “Going on a three-month bender.” After four dates? And I thought I was a little screwy?
2) To the guy who told me to lose five pounds in the same breath he told me to go get him a beer so he didn’t miss any of the game – you are by far one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, I’m already fifteen pounds underweight for my height, so additional weight loss would not only make me less attractive, it would make me unhealthy. I might have ignored the comment had a couple of mitigating factors not been present: a) you’re so far out of my intellectual league that every moment spent with you was a shallow trip down idiot lane to a destination called “I Just Want To Look At You,” and b) your denial of a serious substance abuse problem was apparent every time we couldn’t have sex.
1) To the guy who didn’t want to be gay – you’re heads above even #2 in attractiveness, and easily put even my intellect to task. I might suggest a few things to better mask your sexual preferences however: a) asking a group of men, “Do I smell Wisteria?” is a clear sign either you spend too much time with your mother, you’re gay, or you’re a hetero-sexual anomaly, b) touchy-feely with your best male friend is fine when sports are part of the equation, but when one man’s face is really close to another man’s face during conversation or you spend too much time with your arms around eachother’s shoulders, it sends an alert message the same way a fire alarm does, c) pretend you don’t know more about hair products than I do, and finally d) don’t tell me you’re gay while we’re naked in my bed AFTER we tried to have sex and you couldn’t get it up.