I don't want to be unreasonable, but I have come to the conclusion that my dream man has the best qualities of Target stores, Excel, and my shovel.
Target:
Target understands me. Target understands me a little too well, but wants me to spend time with him anyway. Target knows that I need tools for home repair, and pretty pots for my plants, and thank you notes for my kind friends. Even when I think that I don't need anything from Target, Target has been watching me, and thinking about what I might need, and if I would like it in bright summery colors. My dream man would pay as much attention to figuring me out as Target does.
Excel:
Honestly, I don't know how anyone could be as patient and smart as Excel. My conversations with Excel go like this:
Me: Honey, could you please go get that data from those lookup tables I told you about, and then perform several difficult operations on it, and then present it to me in this lovely summary table?
Excel: Sure, babe. Happy to.
Me: Oh shoot! I meant, could you please do these other things to it?
Excel: No problem. Anything for you, babe.
Me: And do you think you could suggest a way to try this other thing I was thinking of?
Excel: Already on it - this might work...
Me: Thanks! You're the best. How about tonight I write a special little macro for you...
Shovel:
I spent a while digging out my side yard this summer and ended up real impressed with my shovel. You know, my shovel doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't. He doesn't multi-task; he knows what he is good at. My shovel is always game. My shovel is ready for yardwork whenever I am. And when all I want to do is lounge around reading, my shovel is happy relaxing on the porch.
Now, I know that hundreds of personyears have gone into perfecting Target, Excel and shovel, and only thirtyish personyears have gone into perfecting you. I understand that these are very demanding specs. But if you tried, I swear I would appreciate your efforts. And I would make an effort of my own. Send me your retailers, programs or implements, and I'll let you know if I'm the smart, pretty, funny girl you are looking for.