I will begin this post by stating that I like the job that I have. That is, it's a lot better than the last shitbag job I had. However, in the year or so that I have been working there, some things have come to my attention that aggravate me. I would like to bring these things to your attention.
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1. The parking lot is free (which is a rarity downtown) and the lot is immediately adjacent to our building. There are more spots than there are cars on any given day and the spots are not assigned. However, that does not mean that some of us haven't already selected our spots that we like to park in every day. If you are new to the office, then hang back and find your own special spot. Do not take my spot. I am very territorial about my parking spot and don't want to park anywhere else. If you see the same car in the same spot day after day, assume the person who parks there does so for a reason.
2. The refrigerator is for your lunch each day. Do not go to the grocery store and buy a week's supply of food and then bring it in each Monday and stock the fridge for the week. There is one fridge between about 60 people in the office. There is no extra room for your salad dressing, case of juice, leftover Thanksgiving meal and whatnot. Don't be a lazy ass each morning. Bring what you are going to eat each day and then eat it.
3. There are only three employee toilets in the building for the above stated number of employees. If you feel the need for a long sit down each morning with the paper, then schedule that before you come to work. In addition, burning a match does not help the smell after you take a dump. The bathroom then smells like shit AND sulfur. Leave the fan on when you exit the bathroom. If you approach the bathroom door and it is closed, assume someone is in there and do the courteous thing - knock! Don't just grab the handle and attempt to barge in. The door will be locked and you will then walk away looking insulted while the person in the restroom will be relieved that they remembered to lock the door. If, by chance, you clog up the toilet with the remnants from Bottom's Up Pizza, use the plunger located directly next to the toilet and unclog the motherfucker. Don't just slink away for the next person to find. Do you do this at home? I think not.
4. To the person who keeps rearranging the mailboxes so that all of the employee names will be in alphabetical order: this is annoying, especially when you don't bother to send an email letting everyone know that their box has been moved. I am still missing mail from the last time you did that.
5. The copier and shredder are for everyone. That being said, if they jam, then fix it. If you don't know how to fix it, walk around and find someone to help you. If you can't do that, then leave a note on the machine that says, "Jammed" or "Out of order".
6. Take a few minutes each week to clean the cigarette butt can outside if you smoke. Don't throw your lottery tickets, receipts, gum wrappers and empty cigarette packs into that receptacle. It is not a trash can, it is a shallow butt can. The homeless man lingering outside will not clean it out for money or cigarettes. His job is to stalk around the outside of the building muttering nonsensical shit out loud to intimidate people.
7. To the crazy bitch who stuck stickers all over the in/out board, please go away and work somewhere else. If I had wanted a sticker by my name, I would have brought one in. The stickers are dumb, ugly and tacky. Like you. In addition, crazy bitch, please stop burning candles in your office. I don't know where in God's green earth that you got those candles, but after being burned for three to four hours, someone in India could smell them. Your office smells like a French whorehouse and it makes me wonder if there is some other smell in your office that you are trying to cover up.
8. A note to the janitor: you must be the laziest bastard around. The soap dispensers are there for a reason and empty for a reason - we use soap after using the restroom and when our hands are dirty. We would like the soap dispensers filled up more than once per month. We would like the paper towel dispensers and toilet paper dispensers filled up more than twice a month. When they are empty would be preferable. You empty the trash (sometimes) and rarely vaccuum the carpet. I don't think you know what in the hell a mop and bucket is. The fact that the boss took up a collection to give you a Christmas gift was deplorable and that's why I didn't donate and told others not to. You didn't earn it.
9. To those employees who have thermostats in their offices: quit jacking the temperature up and down. You are the reason that the air conditioners broke last summer and the reason that many of us have fans and space heaters in our offices. Your office does not need to the temperature of the Sahara in the winter, nor does it need to be the temperature of the North Pole in the summer. Leave the freaking thing at about 70 degrees and live with it. Others are counting on you to learn this principle.
10. To those of you sitting in the small break room for two plus hours hogging it, please keep in mind that some of us would like to eat our lunch between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00 and not in our offices. Take your 30 minute lunch break and then return to your office to work. Share! The fact that one or two of the bosses are sitting in there with you does not make it okay. It makes you look like a suck up.
11. Do not have any personal information faxed to you and then leave it sitting on the fax all day. Because I will come along, looking for a work related fax and will read it. I will then know that you are dumb and lazy enough to sign a contract for $15,000 to get your bathroom painted, refloored, shelves hung and a new bathroom counter and cabinet installed and tub re-grouted. I will then feel obligated to tell at least one other person how dumb you must be to sign a contract for that amount of money.
12. Your joy of singing does not translate into my joy of listening. You are not the next Fantasia, Beyonce, Mary J. or anyone else except a woman with no personality and big ass whom I assume never gets laid. You cannot sing and if you feel the need, then close your office door and sing quietly.
13. If you have a split personality, leave the other personality(ies) at the door. Hearing your other personality walking around the office talking creepy baby talk is weird and it makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. If you can't be a grown up all of the time, at least have the courtesy to act like one during your working hours.
14. To those of you who work in this office and have never spoken to me other than a frosty little smile as we pass in the hall, kiss my ass. You and I both know who you are. The time will probably come and you will probably need something from me, and you won't get it. In the meanwhile I am working on collecting your dirty little secrets. In addition, I enjoy knowing that my ass is smaller than yours, my tits are bigger, my face is prettier and my personality is better.
15. Stop walking by my office looking in. Nothing amazing is going on in there, except for work and some internet surfing. Since my computer faces away from the door, I know that you can't really see what I am doing other than sitting behind my desk doing whatever I am doing at the time. Walking by my office 20+ times per day looking in is kind of silly, don't you think? You will not catch me picking my nose, scratching my crotch, farting, doing drugs or engaging in any compromising positions, so stop trying. In addition, stop standing outside my door blatantly eavesdropping on my conversations. I know you are there and immediately stop talking. You do this to other people and they know you do it, too. We are all on to you.
16. Lastly, to the surprisingly hot guy in the office, I would have already fucked you if I wasn't taken. Sometimes when we're standing around chit-chatting, I imagine you naked. Every now and then, I feel a little electricity between us. You look great in suits, wear them more often.
These are simply guidelines for office work. Please feel free to print and post on a bulletin board in your office in hopes that someone will read it and correct their misdeeds.