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Men, there are just some stories that do not need to be repeated to your wife/girlfriend. Keep them to yourself. Go tell you buddies over a brew. Hell, put them here. Just don't tell them to your significant other.
I came home from work the other night and was making the usual "how was your day" chit-chat with my husband. As I was mindlessly chopping zucchini for our dinner, he hits me with the following:
"You know how Bugsy (our dog) likes to sits at my feet when I'm on the computer? Well, I was masturbating to some Internet porn, and I came all over the dog. He just laid there looking at me with cum all over his head. It was the funniest damn thing!"
I stopped chopping and could only think to reply, "Did you give the dog a bath after that?" Much to my relief the answer was yes.
Now I will never look at my husband or the dog the same way. I could have gone my whole life without knowing this little tale. Self-censorship - use it!!