Hey there, fellas. We need to chat. Because you have this untimely habit of doing/saying things to my girlfriends that are really cramping my fun, carefree lifestyle.
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I like being happy. I don't complain too often. I try to look at the bright side of things and realize that even though I might have had a rough day, it was probably better than 80% of the world population's. But I find myself surrounded by friends who are miserable as of late and it's mostly because of you.
Call them drama queens--you're right, they probably are. But when you give my friend a dubious look when she orders the Eggs Benedict over your brunch date, *I'M* the one that has to listen to an hour-long diatribe about how you think she's a pig and how she vows to never have Hollandaise sauce again, not you. So keep your judgemental looks to yourself.
When you date my friend for a month, tell her that you love her, but then leave her for a slutty 18 year old cocktail waitress a week later, *I'M* the one who has to play amateur psychologist on the phone while she details her absolute misery for the next three months. Even shrinks have a time limit for their patients--I am not so lucky.
Fellas, when you leave your stuff haphazardly lying around the floor of the apartment you co-habitate, *I'M* the one who has to listen to my friend moan about what a good-for-nothing slob you are. Not you. No, you're off playing basketball with your guy friends while I'm helplessly glued to the cell phone. Please, please call me to play basketball with you so I don't have to console my buddy over your dirty boxer shorts! I can nail a three pointer like you read about.
So, here's the deal: if must do something crappy, please do it on a Friday or Saturday evening so that I at least have a legitimate excuse to not answer the phone when the misery-hotline starts ringing (("Sorry, it was loud in the club I was at--I didn't even notice you called until after 2am...and I didn't want to risk waking you up! Besides, I had a really hot one night stand and didn't even get home until 2 o'clock this afternoon. Yup, he took me to breakfast and I had Eggs Benedict--WITH the hollandaise.")). At least I can delay the inevitable...because I know my girlfriends will never stop bitching about the minutea of life. I just need a little break! I really like watching Six Feet Under and Ali G on Sunday nights. And I really like going for a jog every now and then after work. And I really like spending time with family, upbeat friends and the guys I date without my cell phone ringing every three seconds. So I beg of you, boys, please tone it down so that I might be able to live my own life rather than constantly counsel my friends on theirs.