Originally Posted: 2005-03-16 11:26am

favorite this post To My Redneck Neighbor: Please Neuter Your Cat Or I Will

Look, buddy…I hear your "neer neer" honky tonk music crankin' on Saturday mornings while you slam back Buds with your hot rod friends. When I’m doing yard work, I hear your conversations, peppered with words and phrases such as "f-ing fag at AutoSmart"…."yeah..no shit…'71 cameros are f-ing sweet"…..and "f-ing belt is loose" (I'm assuming you mean car belt? Not sure.)

So..I've lived with this for two years now with no complaints. At least your gatherings with Hank and Boomhauer are only on Saturday mornings.

But then yesterday, I let my little kitty, Sweetie, out to tinkle...and within minutes I hear cat screams. Panicked, I run outside to witness what appeared to be a miniature cougar holding Sweetie's neck and swinging her like a stuffed animal. She finally got loose and ran for cover…but this giant freak cat was right on her and brought her down again like a baby gazelle. Thinking fast, I turned on the water hose and drenched the monster until Sweetie was able to get back inside. I watched the creature creep to your backyard and through a cat door. Busted!

So…over the course of the day, I stalked your monster cat…and learned the following:

1. He is a Siamese.
2. He is freakishly large.
3. He is severely cross-eyed, but this does not stop him from attacking small cats like a homing missile.
4. He is definitely a male. (see #5)
5. He is definitely NOT neutered! How do I know? Because this cat has massive balls that hang down so low they make their own prints in my garden.

I did some research and discovered that some intact siamese males are like the Hannibal Lectors of the feline world. They aim to kill and don't want any other cats living within a 10-mile radius of their kingdom…unless it is an unspayed female..but then he'll keep her around only for the sex and then do away with her.

So..here is my one and only warning: Fix your monsterius felineus or I'm getting out the garden shears…but I won't be using them to cut my rose bushes.

this is in or around Portland

post id: 64062195

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