10. I won't use the words Retro, Vintage or Shabby Chic to describe it.
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9. I won't tell you how much I paid for it at a vintage/antique store on Hawthorne/NW 23rd/in The Pearl three years ago and try to convince you that it’s still worth the same amount – maybe even more because it is three years older now, so that makes it even more ‘vintage’ right?
8. I won’t tell you that the cat scratches on the fronts of the arm rests give it ‘character’; they don’t. They make it look kind of crappy. Not super crappy, but kind of. I also won’t tell you that all it needs is a cover. The arms are clawed; of course it would look better with a cover. But those suckers are expensive, even at Target. Why would you spend $25 on a couch and then drop $200 on a cover? Either don’t mind scratched arms, already have a couch cover just waiting to be put to use, or keep looking and invest the extra $$ in a couch that doesn't need a cover in the first place. This is Craig’s List for god’s sake, you’ll find something eventually.
7. I won’t tell you it’s never been peed on/thrown up on/or otherwise sullied with human fluids. I can tell you it hasn’t been in the past three years because that’s how long I’ve had it, but before that it’s anybody’s guess. It’s a 50-year-old-couch; chances are something nasty has happened on it at some point in its life. If you’re that worried about it, spend more than $25 and get something new. Come to think of it, there was the one weekend my friends from L.A. stayed in the same room with it and they haven’t been dating all that long, and we did drink a lot, so god only knows what they might have done on it. There are no stains. It doesn’t smell. That’ll have to be good enough.
6. It’s comfortable. Look at Xena. Doesn’t she look comfortable? No sense arguing, that’s a happy, comfortable dog. Right after I took this picture, she flopped on her back and put all four paws up in the air as if to say, “I am Xena. Look at how relaxed and happy I am. Now scratch my belly and fill my Kong with peanut butter and meat, please.” It was adorable. My partner used to nap on it when he ‘worked from home’. I think it’s a little short for a good nap, but it never seemed to bother him.
5. Completely neutral color. Practically invisible. It’s more pinky than beige but not salmon and not really taupe. It’ll go with any color scheme you have going, but if you’re really worried about your ‘color scheme’, again, you should probably spring for a couch that costs more than $25 and doesn’t have kitty-clawed arms.
4. Makes a good hat stand. See how cool my hats look resting on the back of it? Nice, huh?
3. I won’t try to sell you on it by saying it would be great for your porch. Do people actually purchase couches to put on their porches? I thought that’s where couches ended up if they were posted on Craig’s List and no one wanted them. Either there, or on the side of the road with a ‘FREE’ sign on them. It’s not the greatest couch in the world, but it’s not that bad. It’s worthy of the actual interior of a dwelling at least. Sheesh.
2. I spell-checked this entire post. I’m pretty sure most of the punctuation is even right, but it’s been a while since I’ve pulled out the old Strunk & White’s and this is already taking about four times as long as I thought it would, so if I used a few too many commas or dangled a couple of participles, deal with it. Or go bitch about what a moron I am in R&R, I could care less.
1. It needs to go today, it’s really cheap, and it’s on the main floor of the house so no hauling it up/down stairs (well, except for the front porch, but that doesn’t really count because it's like five steps). The first person who can arrange to show up with a truck, $25 cash, and at least one person who can lift an end of it (my partner’s at home and he can lift the other end) before 5 p.m. gets it. Email me!
Note: Dog and hats are NOT included.
this is in or around SE