You: Middle aged man sporting a long graying ponytail while walking downtown Portland this afternoon. You were wearing a tacky hawaiian print t-shirt and Oakleys that were most likely purchased in the late 80's to early 90's.
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Me: A dose of reality.
You thought you were looking pretty smooth this afternoon as you strutted your stuff down 5th avenue, repeatedly looking behind you and eying the innocent young girl that was trying to mind her own business. After about six or seven times of stopping and turning around to stare, you pulled a fast one and decided to let her pass you, allowing yourself the convenience of staring at her ass as you made your way down the sidewalk. There you walked, breathing heavily like a creepy old pervert with asthma, getting your fill of an ass so young it could easily be your daughter's. You didn't notice the quickness in the girl's pace as you began hitting on her (while her heels once made a soft click...click on the pavement, they were now at a more persistent click-click-click, as she attempted to avoid you. You have no idea how hard it is to speedwalk in heels!).
You asked the girl if she knew where the nearest leather shop was. You've got some boots that need work. You know, motorcycle boots. You have a motorcycle. You like to ride motorcycles. Does she?
Your efforts were thwarted as your victim darted sideways into an office building, escaping further harassment by mere seconds.
Listen, unfortunate looking old guy with a ponytail, not even Fabio could pull off a creepy pick-up move like that. If you keep doing that someday you might get a swift kick to the nuts (you have no idea how painful a heel to the nuts could be!). Please, to avoid future humiliation, stick to picking up your women at Wal-Mart and biker bars. The hairier they are, the more willing they will be to go home and sleep with you. Also, try to make sure they're legal (since you seem to like the young ones).
Have a nice day.