Dear Mound Makers-
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Look, I am keenly aware that you were here prior to me buying the house. I am also aware that you were here before the house was built. This land is your land…I get that.
The thing is that I’m stressed out about you taking over my lawn. I don’t give a mole’s ass if you come up for air in the nooks and crannies of my yard. They’re yours. But, please, for the love of god and all things holy, leave my lawn alone.
I’ve researched several solutions to our co-habitation challenge: however, experts agree that the only real solution is your demise. I do have a trap out in the garage, in fact, it came with the house. I don’t know if you or your friends have seen these things…they’re terrifying. I’d be happy to show it to you if you’d like. I’ll leave it by the large dirt mound (the one you favor) on my front lawn. Don’t worry, I won’t set it; it’s simply for display and educational purposes. Go ahead, touch it, get a feel for it. You know, I’ll even leave a latte next to it so you can ponder your decision in comfort.
I’m hoping we can work this out in a civil fashion, and so, I would appreciate a meeting of the minds with those in charge. Yes, take me to your leader…the decision maker. Perhaps we can agree to a homeopathic solution; one that won’t cause you any harm or discomfort.
Please consider my offer and respond accordingly.