How about we all meet in a park for a picnic? All the rants and ravers face to face with hot dogs and potato salad-- wouldn't that be fun? And so that we could identify one another, here are some guidelines for coming:
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All the Christians bring bibles-- but they should be the really big ones like a family bible so that we can all see how big the bible is in your life.
All the non-Christians wear black.
Fat haters-- print out your collection of obese women and pin them all over your clothes so we will immediately know how you feel on the inside. Also, be sure to bring your size 6 girlfriends and wives.
Men who love to post pictures of nudes -- come in a g-string or thong. Or just let your penis stick out of your pants if you don't have a g-string or thong.
Martyrs and victims bring a really big life size cross and don't ever put it down-- not even when you want to put relish and mustard on your hot dog. Get someone else to do that for you.
Conservatives and liberals wear all white. Don't worry if we can't tell you apart because you're really not all that different and white shows how perfect you are.
Bush/war supporters bring pictures of your children in their uniforms or even better, their pictures from Iraq. Or, bring that flag folded into a triangle shape that you received in their honor. If you don't have children, wear your uniform or fatigues if you are just on leave.
Hummer/SUV drivers bring pictures of your last off road experience in your car. Also, bring us back our ozone.
All the Portland haters-- bring your suitcase cause we're going to take a collection and buy you tickets to leave.
People who love Portland-- bring roses.
All of you who hate people of other races-- don't bring anything; just wear your really cool white outfit with the matching pointy hat.
The guys who hate homosexuals can bring their collection of gay porn, their copies of M4M ads and their collection of show tunes so that we can have some music.
Women haters get to bring the beer.
Everyone who likes to post pictures of your cats-- bring your cats. Duh!
Pit bull owners can bring your pit bulls! Be sure to sit in the section with the cat owners and prove to everyone how your dog wouldn't hurt a living soul.
Women who post pictures of their breasts and thong-clad butts-- stay home. Your need for male attention is really annoying.
We will recognize the guy who says to only marry foreign women. He will be the one with a woman following a couple steps behind him... or maybe it will be two or three women.
Porkland-- remember to wear sunglasses. The world outside your basement is awfully bright. Bring sunscreen.
It'll be great to see everyone in person!
I'll bring a first aid kit.