Q1: I made the original down payment on an H2 "Hummer" and I've been driving it for over half a year now and I still can't find my penis and women still hate me and call me an asshole. When does the H2 "Hummer" start to kick in? When will I finally be a real man?
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A1: Some new H2 owners will experience continued feelings of inadequacy for some time after they purchase their surrogate penis however rest assured that your perceptions are false: Women really do want to have sex with you, it's only the lesbians who continue to call you names and take out restraining orders against you. Also don't worry: Your penis is humongous now. Trust your new "Hummer."
Q2: When I bought my Ford Expedition about a year ago, I was told that I would be going to the mountains, driving through deserts and heavy mud, camping out under the stars with at least two hot High School girls. Instead I'm stuck in traffic 90% of the time, slogging back and forth between home, K-Mart, and work. When will I start being a rugged mountain logging man?
A2: If you're experiencing city traffic and have not yet become an adventurous mountain man, the problem isn't with your SUV, it's with liberal environmentalists and Communist Democrats who are conspiring to destroy America's freedoms hand-in-hand with Iraqi terrorists (which really, really do exist.) With the election of President George W. Bush, this temporary problem will shortly be corrected and any day now you'll become a rugged, action-filled adventurer.
Q3: My neighbor bought a really manly SUV so I had to go buy one even bigger to prove I'm a better man. I was amused about a month later when he came around a bend on the freeway at around 100 miles an hour and rolled it, killing himself and all his family members and everyone in a couple of other cars. But I started wondering if I'm going to also die in a screaming, burning wreck taking other people's kids out with me like he did. Should I worry?
A4: No, there's no need to worry! All SUV accidents are investigated by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) and media reports about massive carnage and an 11% greater fatality rate involving SUVs compared to girly cars are highly exaggerated. The NTSB has consistently found in every single accident involving SUVs that other drivers have always been at fault; it's never been the driver of an SUV that's ever caused an accident. An education campaign is planned to inform drivers of girly cars that they must stop getting in the way of real men like you and stop causing these accidents which took out your neighbor's family. You have nothing to worry about.
Q5: I can't stand it any more. I'm really getting tired of all the men, women, and children who flip me off when I'm driving my H2 "Hummer" around town. What's their problem? What can I do about these people who shout stuff like "PIG!" and "ASSHOLE!" and stuff as they flip me off?
A5: They're jealous of you. It's not anyone who can purchase an H2 "Hummer," after all, it takes a real man and these people -- even the High School girls who flip you off -- are jealous of the fact that they can't be as manly a man as you are. What you should do is sit there and glare at them really, really bad: Let them know you're not going to take that guilt trip abuse without giving them the glaring of their lives. Also many of them secretly want to have sex with you but are too embarrassed to ask so you should ask them.
Q6: Someone keeps putting citations on my SUV's windshield claiming I'm supporting terrorism, killing the environment, that I'm a selfish pig, and that my SUV is maiming other drivers on the highway. These traffic citations are piling up because I don't see an address of where I need to go to fight these tickets in court. Will they come and arrest me for not paying these tickets? I don't think I should have to since there's no address I can see on where to mail in fines.
A6: No, you don't have to pay those or do anything with them. You may tear them up and throw them away along with any parking ticket or other traffic citation you may be issued. As an SUV owner you're entitled to special driving privileges that inferior men don't share, and if any police officer tells you differently, you should explain to the liberal about your rights as a SUV driver to do whatever the Hell you want when you want to do it.
Q7: Why do so many people in other cars and people walking on the sidewalk hold up two fingers a couple of inches apart and point at my SUV and laugh?
A7: They're probably trying to tell you that you have a door ajar or that they believe one of your tires is under inflated. Check to make sure that all of your doors are closed properly and if they are, be sure to check your tire pressure.
Q8: About once a week or so I walk out to my SUV and I find a bumper sticker on my H2 "Hummer" either saying I'm changing the environment or that I'm "compensating," whatever that means. What's happening to me?
A8: There's a Communist Liberal by the name of Arianna Huffington who hates America and she travels around the world putting these bumper stickers on people's Constitutionally protected SUVs and "Hummers" because she hates America. It's just loony liberal nut blather which doesn't mean anything so you can ignore it. If you want it to stop, you need to send her email and demand that she stop harassing you else you'll call the FBI. That'll make her stop.
Q9: I think there's something wrong with my "Hummer." Every two days I have to refill my gas tank even though I only drive around the city from home to work and back. I've checked for leaks and I don't smell leaking gasoline when I'm driving so I'm thinking there must be some reason why I'm only getting 10 miles to the gallon. What's up with that?
A9: There's nothing wrong with your car. What's wrong is the notion that as an American your personal vehicle needs to be engineered for fuel economy -- a Communist notion if ever there was one. When you drive a "Hummer," you're driving freedom, liberty, apple pie, and God -- the Christian God -- and nobody -- absolutely nobody! -- has the right to tell you to drive some Fresh wimpy girly car. When you fill your gas tank every other day, you're filling your tank with freedom.
Q10: I got me one of those Hummies with the jungle camouflage paint job, really big tires, and I wear Army clothes when I drive my Hummie, just like my fellow Hummie drivers in Iraq. Question: am I allowed to shoot brown people like they do and get away with it like they do? And if so, what about homos? Can I shoot homos too if I see homos on the sidewalk?
A10: Yes, as an H2 "Hummer" driver you're entitled to shoot as many brown-skinned people and homosexuals as you want to. There are a few police officers who might pull you over after engaging in your Constitutionally protected Second Amendment rights, but most police officers will notice your "Hummer," its really cool camouflage, and support the troops by not stopping you or giving you problems. If a police officer does pull you over, all you need do is show him or her your Republican Party membership card or your National Rifel Association membership card and they'll cut you loose to continue exercising your American rights. Any police officer who still gives you a hassle is a closet queer and, of course, fair game.
Joe Schmoe from Kokomo (still kickin' but CL sux as usual...)