Going away for two weeks and I must find a sitter for my cat. You would need to take him to your apartment because my house sitters are deathly allergic. A liitle background information for prospective babysitters...
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Three years ago a friend asked me if I would adopt an orange kitten that was found at 3 weeks old under a staircase nearly starved to death. Being an animal lover with extensive animal rehab experience I said yes. And so the cat was mine.
I just don't like my cat. I love my cat and I give him a wonderful happy, safe life, but I don't like him. You get the idea. When you meet this cat you will wonder why. You will think poorly of me and call me cruel. Because when you meet this cat he will come to you and meow. He will jump on your lap and put his front legs on either side of your neck and hug. Yes. The cat hugs. It's bizarre, but true. He will follow you around and cuddle and be the perfect cat. He will shock and amaze you at all of the words he understands. You can tell the cat to go lay down and he will. You can tell him to get his cat-toy and he will. He will charm you with his personality and you will want to love him forever.
So what's the big deal?
He has ass glands that swell and tend to leak out poop scented oil. Yup. Leaky ass glands. The vet says it's no big deal and there's not much to do other than "milk" them from time to time. Yeah, that's fun. Squeezing out cat ass juice is one of the most heinous things I can think of. But it must be done. Otherwise you will find ass-juice spots all over your bed, chairs, window sills, and any freshly cleaned clothes that happen to be around.
The ass-juice also results in ass-juice dingle berries that tend to form on the posterior end of the cat. The AJDB's must be plucked off with warm paper towels and discarded. The cat does not like this process. You will be scratched numerous times as you attempt to clean a giant thrashing cat butt.
Because he is a rescue and most likely some inbred runt of the litter and missing a few genes, his teeth all fell out at 7 months of age. This means you must make him a special concoction of rice, wet cat food, and egg whites that looks only slightly worse than it smells. Cat will gum this slop up out of his bowl with such intensity that it causes him to then puke it all right back up and ingest it for a second time.
Cat likes attention and is very affectionate. There is a catch. The cat will NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. Not for a second. If you are on the bed, the cat is on the bed. On the couch? Cat's on the couch. If you go to take a shit, the cat will open the bathroom door(yes he figured out doorknobs) and stare at you on the throne. When you leave it will sit at the door and howl until you return. Neighboors will hate you.
You could pet him, but then you will end up covered in hair. A rare skin condition (three cheers for inbreeding) causes him to shed more than usual. One brush of the fur and you will have a wad of hair in your hand that could easily create 4 orange toupes. Be wary when getting dressed in the morning for one rub on the leg from this feline and you will look as if you are wearing UGGS inside out over your dress pants.
You can't leave the cat alone for too long because he gets caught on things. Sigh. Yet another birth defect has rendered him unable to control his claw retraction. Cat walks on the floor and the claws pick things up. Cat keeps walking and before you know it he's dragging some stockings, a washcloth, dust bunnies, and some yarn behind him. One then must pick up cat and pluck the claws out of said items without getting snagged yourself. Never ever allow cat to jump off of your lap without assistance or your pants just might leave as well.
So that's my lousy cat. Who wants the job?