Dear Silda Spitzer,
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I'm not sure why Eliot needed to stray; the deeper afflictions that arise during married life are a private affair (pardon) and to speculate or analyze about them is pointless and cruel. I'm sure you and your husband both have difficult characteristics that drive you to distraction or worse. I am here to tell you that none of those things matter to me, because I do not want to marry you, Silda, I want to fuck you.
Silda, let's face it, you're hot. Aitch-Ayy-Double-DoubleYew-Tee. Hawwt.
I'm no great catch and have a tendency to be a bit of a prick, but hey, when you're standing there next to Eliot, humiliated, thinking "I can do better", are you really thinking about how much better? No. What's important right now is for you to dish it back, to arch your back and take it doggie-style with a thumb up your butt for good measure, to look back over your shoulder and see a different balding, self-righteous, smirking white guy grunting away and slapping your ass.
I am taller than Eliot.
When we move to the floor and hit the mish, you can reflect on your options: go for the divorce, the family-rending heartache with the big payday? Or stay together, knowing the payout might be just as good if you're good at slinging the guilt. Either way, Eliot's going to be out of a job for a while. Either way, I'm happy to diddle your clit.
Personally, my advice is to wait it out. I mean, Hillary has done pretty well, right? You never know how these things will go. I have had my share of ups and downs, too... and I'm not going to claim I'm any kind of a prince (or an ethics crusader). I have beat a man nearly to death, stolen candy from children, and yes, I'll admit it dirty girl, I'm an atheist. MMmmmm. Like that? None of my personal ups and downs matter anyway, Silda, because with me it's your ups-and-downs, on my glistening love sword, that matter.
I'll be waiting, Babe. Oh, and one more thing... I'll only tap you for $78.50 an hour. And that's negotiable, if you're up for anal.
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