Originally Posted: 2005-02-05 3:41pm
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favorite this post Do You Have What it Takes to Live Above Me? hide this posting unhide

I've recently moved into my third apartment in the city, and I've noticed a pattern among my upstairs neighbors. I'll probably be moving again before 2005 is over, so I'm taking applications now for people to live above me. Here are the qualifications:

1. Domestic Violence. Can you have a fight with your live in boyfriend or girlfriend? I don't just mean a Ross and Rachel "We were on a break" fight, I'll need you to be able to shout something along the lines of the people who lived above me in Brooklyn. "I don't give a fuck you been in prison, Roscoe! You think that shit scares me?! That shit don't scare me, motherfucker! Oh! Now you got a knife, huh?! What the fuck you gonna do with it, you pussy-ass motherfucker?! You gonna stab me, bitch?!" At this point we called the cops, so I think Roscoe came out of this fight unscathed.

If you can't fight that way, other styles are acceptable. For instance there was this couple in Hell's Kitchen. Where Roscoe's girlfriend was loud and assertive, this girl was crying and whiny. "I don't know what you want from me! I try and try to be so good for you, and I love you so much, and you're so mean to me!" This sounds easy, but you'd have to be able to keep it up for at least three hours, and you're not allowed to start until about 1am.

Ok, so you can be loud or violent in a domestic context. But that's not the only requirement.

2. Dropping Heavy Stuff. Do you have a lot of heavy stuff? How many ball bearings do you own? What about bricks? You'll need to drop these and many many other heavy items on the floor at random times throughout the day and night. It'd help if you could keep all your heavy items loose in a big box and drop that occasionally. Perhaps just push over your refrigerator from time to time, you know, really mix it up.

Along the same lines.

3. Footwear. What kind of shoes do you own? Can you go get some work boots? If so would you be willing to wear them all the time? I mean from the moment you get up, hopefully around 5am, you put on your work boots and start clomping around. Wear them to the bathroom, to the bedroom, wandering back and forth across your tiny studio apartment like an animal trapped in a zoo, or even as you get up to grab a knife to stab your girlfriend. Your bare feet should never touch the floor, because they just don't have the heft required for an upstairs neighbor of mine.

So those are the main requirements, but it's not just you that has to meet them if you want to live above me. What about the other people in your apartment? What about your daughter? Sure, she's not Roscoe's child, but that doesn't mean she can't borrow his ball bearings and drop them on the floor when he's back in prison for assault. Someone is going to have to pick up the slack. I've heard her screaming and crying at 3am, and she sounds like a child who would have no problem dumping a refrigerator now and then.

What about your many relatives who come to stay in your tiny studio apartment? They're all going to have to wear heavy shoes and walk around the place. It may seem like a small apartment, but they should really explore to make sure they don't miss anything, and even though they've already seen that corner way across the apartment, that shouldn't stop them from going back and looking at it again. You never know when life will surprise you.

So that's it. I won't know my moving plans until later in the year, and it all depends on whether Emma gets any offers after her reality show airs, but I wanted to start the ball rolling so we're not scrambling around trying to find somebody at the last minute. I'll let you know. Thank you.

this is in or around Manhattan

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