Originally Posted: 2004-12-01 10:39am
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favorite this post CL NY Board: The Archetypes hide this posting unhide

Ever wonder how a board for the most cosmopolitan city in the world ends up filled with such an excess of written dung? This is what happens when you give average Joe a computer and an anonymous email address. All of a sudden, the nice guy in the cubicle next to you is secretly rattling off racial slurs and trying to solicit "420" thinking no one's caught on. Here, a list of the New York Craiglist archetypes:

1. "I'm Only Racist When No One Is Looking". These folks are the dominant breed on here. Either they're not racist at all but think it would be cool to see what it feels like to have a tourrettes-style outburst against [insert ethnic flavor of the day here] people, or they're the people who go around every day acting perfectly nice to everyone's faces (regardless of what color those faces are), but once they can hide behind the "anon" screen, they unleash with a river of spew about how this group smells and that group has ugly moms and everyone else's sister is a ho. Within the next hour or two, these same people patronize ethnic food restaurants and say hi to a few people of the same race they were just dissing. Hey, I can be one of those too! SHIT! FUCK! BLACK PEOPLE! DICK! ASSHOLE! CHINESE! RUSSIAN! SLIMEY STINKY POO NUTSACK MEXICAN CANADA! Whoo, I feel soooo much better now.

2. "I swear I got laid last night" John Doe wakes up in the morning, jerks off thinking about doing Brianna Banks with Michael Jackson cupping his ball sac, then comes on here and gives all the details, insisting up and down it really DID happen and probably thinks we actually believe it too. No really, we do!

3. "I'm sexy as long as I'm behind this computer screen" is the girl who comes on here and posts a whole bunch of drivel about how fabulous her pussy, ass, boobs, panties, q-tips, ear wax, etc. is, knowing that a bunch of desperate cockslappers on here (who haven't gotten any more than their right hand in months) will post back praising how wonderful she is, and she'll get a whole inbox full of perverted and solicitory emails that will somehow make her sooo sure she's the shit, I guess? I love it when nasty letches send me email! Wheee!

4. "Oops, I mistakenly assumed someone cares!" These are the ones that post about things like Ugg boots and get all heated when someone smacks down their frivolous opinion. Is this REALLY what occupies your mind all day? There's something to fix that problem - it's called SUICIDE. Try it!

5. "I secretly wish I could be a Guido" Some of you people spell this in really amusing ways, like "Gweedo" for the hooked on phonics group. Similar to the 1st group but apparently more prevalent than the rest, you people come on here and type in all caps about how Italians are doodyheads and you swear to god when you were 6 years old you saw one dismember a live cat and eat it, or maybe I have that confused with the Asian haters. Whatever the case, you scream and cry about how Italian-Americans are so trashy and yada yada but you know the minute you thought you could pull off the gold chains and leather jacket, you'd be all over it. Meanwhile, whenever you see Joey Roids at the gym, do you act like you do behind your computer screen? Nope, you give him your best "ha YOU doin'?"

6. Cat People. WTF is UP with you people? My cat and Sniper Cat and What Do I Do When My Cat Craps Purple Oatmeal? STFU already! No wonder everyone says Cat People are insane. Yes, they're cute and nice and furry and all that, but could you refrain from clogging the forum with your unamusing pictures that we've all been forwarded in junk emails 6 billion times before, and direct your questions about the finer points of hairballs to about.com's veterinary forum? Thanks!

this is in or around Behind Your Computer Screen

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