Dear al Qaeda,
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Since I am now working at one of your newest targets (The Citicorp Building), I would just like to say "Thank you al Qaeda." Why would I thank al Qaeda, you ask? Well, hell! Why would I not?!?
Since moving to New York, you have really extended yourself to me
al Qaeda. First, you decided to run airplanes into my neighborhood. As much as
as my roommate and I loved running in blind fear from our smoldering
neighborhood on September 11th, we also really loved being homeless and jobless for a month.That was super sweet! You allowed me to be drunk for like two whole months instead of starting my new adult life! I love you al Qaeda.
And then your brought those hot National Guard guys to my neighborhood for six months. That was sweet because they all had nice tight asses that my roomie and I loved to look at in our blind al Qaeda induced alcohol stupors. Thanks! One time we tried to get them to attend a party at our death dust covered, cancer sporing house. They said no though. Something about national security. But that is okay, al Qaeda, cause we still got to look from afar and that was nice. So again, thank you!
Then, in a cruel twist of irony (in the Alanis Morissette sense of course- I have no grasp of real irony) you kept me from getting a job for
two months.That was awesome. But the real winners in that situation was
definitely Maker's Mark. Who knew that bourbon made al Qaeda cute?
It does, you should try it! Also, I think that some credit cards companies out there would like to thank you as well! It is amazing how much Maker's Mark daily purchases drive up one's credit card debt! Especially when you are unemployed!
Oh, and thanks for sending anthrax to NBC at the same time that I
went to see the Conan O'Brien show! You are one tricky minx! I love blind hysterical fear mixed in with my stand-up late night comedy. I know that some people doubt that you were responsible for that, but I know. I have faith in you al Qaeda! I know that you would never let me have fun with no consquences!
After two years of slavery at the shittest job ever, imposed by a downsliding turd of an economy, things were beginning to look up al Qaeda! Despite all of your best efforts, stocks were doing better, I got a kick ass new job and a fabolous new studio apartment. Imagine my surprise when I was listening to my work voicemails last night and I got word that you picked me again. I feel so special al Qaeda. I now know what it is like to get a rose at "most exciting rose ceremony ever"!
Once again, you have brought the hotties to my work building. I love going
to work and passing by hot, sweaty National Guardsmen with machine guns.
And we get to go over evacuation plans now! I have always wondered
which way would be the best way to escape a flaming, excruiating death at
my cubicle. And of course, since half of the people on my floor are too scared to cometo work, now I get to do more work. Hard work is good for one's
constitution, so thanks again!
If I sound mad, please don't think that I am mad at you, al Qaeda. I really
am not. I am, after all, an infidel. A godless infidel, who, well, let's face it....voted for George W. Bush. The biggest infidel of them all! I deserve it.
One favor though- Please don't make the East Village your next target. I can only take so many hot, yummy National Guardsmens. Spread the wealth! I heard that Sacramento is full of infidels too...
One Anonymous New Yorker
this is in or around Citicorp Building, New York, New York