So, i'm in new york for one night on business. I don't really know anyone in the city to go out with. I'm a 23 year old girl in a strange city, so i'm not about to go wandering the streets. My hotel room is the size of a shoe box. The only means of entertainment my hotel room has to offer me is a well stocked mini-bar and the most intense selection of in-room porn i have ever seen. No lie, there are at least 50 titles i can choose from with just a click of my remote.
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So last night i get home from work around 9 and i'm bored out of my skull. I decide to tap into my mini-bar. And by "tap into" i essentially mean "devour." I drink three mini bottles of wine and three beers. I'm feeling pretty good. I eat the $6.00 peanuts. I look up at the television.
I decide to order a movie. I open a mini bottle of jack daniels to help me with this decision. As i'm scrolling through the movie options, i realize i've seen most of the 'new releases' already so i click on the "adult themes" just to see. Holy shit, that's alot of porn options. I open a mini bottle of Southern Comfort. I'm wasted.
I figure since i check out in the morning and pay for my "incidentals" from my own credit card, my company will never know that i'm ordering porn from the hotel room. I also assume the titles won't show up on my bill. These are important things to remember later in my story.
I order "awesome amateurs." It lives up to its name. It is both awesome and blatently amateur. I drink another mini bottle of SoCo. After watching "awesome amatuers", i come to the realization that there is, in fact, a sequel. "awesome amateurs II: downunder" is ordered. Apparently, in my drunken stupor i decide i can't live without knowing how the sequel unfolds. I pass out, still dressed, surrounded by mini-bar bottles. Awesome.
I wake up in the morning with a wicked hangover and the stark realization that i have to check out in about 30 seconds. I go down to the front desk to check out. I am informed that their computer system is down. This is where my story takes a turn for the worse.
The woman at the desk tells me that they cannot process my check out or charge me for my incidentals until the system is up and running. I say i cannot wait because i have a train to catch. I am then told that they will charge my account and fax me a copy of my incidentals to sign and return to them. The only fax machine i have access to is the fax machine at work. Fuck. So i reluctantly give her my office fax number. I realize that the fax will get to my office before i do. I pray that the only thing on the fax is the total i paid and a line for me to sign.
Oh how i wish that were true. I get to work the next day and receive a standing ovation. Oh christ. I walk over to the fax machine. Posted on the company bulliten board and highlighted for ease of viewing is my hotel bill:
2 Jack Daniels
2 Southern Comfort
3 Sutter Home
1 Planter's Peanuts
In Room Movie: Awesome Amateurs
In Room Movie: Awesome Amateurs II: Downunder
There is a post-it note on the bottom from my boss that says, "see me." So i go talk to my boss and he informs me that the credit card number i gave the hotel was missing a digit so they had to use the corporate account that paid for the room to pay for my porn and booze. He also gives me an information booklet about the "Employee Assistance Program," a confidential support network that helps employees deal with "personal issues such as addiction to drugs or alcohol." He's not sure they can help me with my "other" addiction. I walk back to my desk and avoid eye contact for the rest of the day.
So to summarize: I used company money to buy an excess amount of alcohol and pornography. Everyone at my office now giggles every time someone says "awesome" or "amateur". No one ever asks me to go get drinks after work because my boss has everyone convinced i have an alcohol problem and should not be "tempted." But i've made a new friend. Joe in the stockroom apparently owns the whole "Awesome Amateurs" collection, and has given me a standing invitation to his house to watch it. I thank him, but am secretly unnerved by his bald spot and armpit stains.
I've learned my lesson. Now i pay cash for my booze at the hotel bar and bring my own porn when i'm away on business.