Originally Posted: 2006-09-19 10:38am

favorite this post A memo to all NYC subway commuters

Dearest NY commuters:

First of all, we’re all in the same boat. We’re all going to work too early, for too little pay, to jobs that don’t matter. All of us deserve a seat as much as the next guy. This being said, sometimes, the chips don’t fall in your favor and the seating is limited. I know this happens to me many a morning. Therefore, whence you walk, saunter, stumble, crawl, or rush tackle into the subway car, take a moment to look at your options in seating. Take a few seconds to internalize the situation and decide your best plan of action. However, please take no more than 3 seconds to do this as the people waiting behind you will, given the opportunity, kill you with sticks.

Now, when you are forced with the choice between standing for awhile or taking the seat betwixt two people who are already seated, drinking their coffee, and happily reading their papers, take a moment to consider your body mass. If you are of larger proportions than the general human, try to be honest about the direct ratio of seat space to your posterior. We’ve all taken high school physics. No one is fooling Archimedes here. If you are past rubenesque and/or husky and are heading dangerously towards rotund, elephantine, corpulent, or are just flat out the size of a small car, do NOT force your corpus into a space meant for a normal size person and, in turn, squash the bodies of the people who were seated before you, thus rendering them unable to partake in the normal human functions of basic movement. If you decide that you must be rude anyway, do not figure that since your derriere has managed to not smother your fellow commuters, the girth of your shoulders pushed all the way back in the seat must not be too much more of a hinderance. It is, they are, and it’s dreadfully uncomfortable. Go ahead and realize that you should be the one to lean forward the whole trip in order to provide oxygen to all parties…not the other way around. If one determines that the subway car is indeed not air conditioned that day, all aforementioned exceptions are null and void and you shall not, under any circumstances, devour the other passengers with your gigantism. I would never assume that sitting in your lap on the subway was an option if you were the first to obtain a seat. Therefore, I expect the same courtesy when your lap, frankly, spreads out to the point of spooning with the laps of the unwilling patrons of the subway. To sum up, DON”T SQUASH ME, MY COFFEE, MY PAPER AND MY SOUL AGAINST THE FILTHY WINDOW OF AN UNAIRCONDITIONED SUBWAY POD TO HELL WITH YOUR FUCKING GIGANTIC DONKEY RUMP. ASSHOLE.

Thank you and good morning

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