Don't get me wrong. Casual dating is great right now. It is SPRING. And fortunately, I have a few chill friends I can do the drunk/sex/brunch thing with and happily not see for a few weeks while meeting new people stress-free. So I'm all set for now, right?
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Wrong. Very, very wrong. Relaxing in my apartment a couple nights back and look up to spot what I can only assume is a mouse - which I can totally handle, heck even co-habitate with. And what else could be an inch and a half long and at least an inch tall with visable legs?
I'll tell you what: The LARGEST FUCKING COCKROACH I have ever seen in my entire life.
And trust...this is New York City...we have all seen/killed a lot of roaches. I tried to catch it under a bowl but only nipped it mid-section. I thought it was dead (ha!) but, when I moved the bowl it bolted under my very low-to-the-ground-crammed-with-random-crap bed.
UNDER MY FUCKING BED. GREAT.
I thought I was going to have to stay with friends. I thought I was going to have to fucking move out. But then it emerged. It was so god damn big I HEARD it scuttle out and caught it. (Yes, I screamed like a little girl.)
Good, right? So now what? I have a mouse-sized cockroach under a pyrex salad bowl in the middle of my studio floor and we are on day three. I can't ask a booty-call to handle this...totally not part of the job description. I called a male friend to help and he told me to let it starve. Starve?!? It's a fucking roach, a monster roach, a 900 year-old SUPER ROACH. This is not something you can squish with a paper towel. I don't even think you could step on it...ugh. In fact, I'm a little worried it might lift the bowl while I'm at work.
This bitch needs to be slammed with a rubber mallet.
So...for the first time in a year I totally miss having a boyfriend. Fuck the drama, late-night jealous "where are you" calls, and panic attacks my last one gave me. I need a dude willing to drop everything to come over and kill that fucking roach.
For that matter, I also need a boyfriend to fix an electrical outlet on an old lamp, and fine-tune a stereo problem I am having. Crap, this sucks.
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