In the spirit of the season, I thought I’d create a holiday-themed quiz to weed out the bad elves. After all, nothing says Christmas like craigslist, right?
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1. We’re having drinks at a Belgian bar on our first date, and we both get too tipsy (darn that Tripel Karmeliet). You realize we’re in no condition to continue to conduct an adult conversation, so you suggest:
a.) we keep our plans to go see The Nutcracker and insist the alcohol won’t help put us to sleep.
b.) we head to Koreatown, get even tipsier, and end up doing something we both regret (although let’s be honest here: do you ever really regret belting out Bohemian Rhapsody with tambourine backup?).
c.) we head to your apartment to hook up.
d.) we end our date right there so I don’t think you’re taking advantage of me.
2. I have a holiday party to attend in Hoboken this weekend and I ask you to come with me. You say:
a.) “Sure, sounds like a great time! I can’t wait to travel under that glorious river connecting two beautiful cities. What time should I meet you?”
b.) “Hoboken? Um. You know that’s in New Jersey, don’t you? Okay, fine, I’ll go...but you owe me.”
c.) “No way, babe. I’m not allowed to leave Manhattan under punishment of death.”
d.) “Of course I’ll go!” but at the last second develop a mysterious illness.
3. We’re planning to go ice skating in Central Park, but we wake up to a bitterly cold, yet rainy day. You:
a.) try to convince me to go anyway because we can still have a good time even if our socks are wet and the only other people on the ice are those five year old hockey kids who speed by making you fear for your life.
b.) come up with an alternate plan that involves take-out, hot cocoa, and a whole lot of not getting out of bed.
c.) use the weather as an excuse to cancel our plans and hang out with a friend who just asked you to do something else.
d.) are secretly glad (because you’ve hated ice skating ever since the time you fell and someone skated over your hand) but pretend to be just as upset about it as I am.
4. My good friend has been planning her New Year’s Eve party since June. I’m being unreasonable and trying to get you to come to my party even though you go to your friend’s every year. You handle my crankiness by:
a.) coming to my party and helping the host set up two hours before even though she isn’t dressed yet.
b.) going to your friend’s party but promising to show up to mine ten minutes before midnight and stay the rest of the night.
c.) calling me un-holiday-spirited names and ignoring my apology texts until 2am when you ask me to come to your apartment.
d.) coming to my party just so I won’t be angry.
5. Next Christmas I ask if you want to come to Ohio with me to visit my family. You decide to:
a.) go, bearing presents for all of my siblings, an expensive piece of jewelry for me, and a question for my father.
b.) fly in the day after Christmas so you can see where I got my tendency to speak loudly (it’s not yelling) and we can still make it back to the city for New Year’s.
c.) freak out because I’m smothering you and decide maybe you’re not ready for this level of commitment (and anyway, Ohio? Really?).
d.) not bring up the issue until the flights are just too expensive to be worth it.
6. You scrolled down to see my picture before taking this quiz because:
a.) you wanted to know what color ribbon to put on the jingle bell necklace you’re making for me.
b.) you wanted to make sure I was cute enough to fare well on the hot crazy scale.
c.) you wanted to see if I was hot enough to warrant answering “c” for question 1.
d.) nonsense! You didn’t scroll down first. Why would I automatically assume that? Your finger just slipped on the mouse.
Scoring: Give yourself 3 points for each a., 2 for each b., 1 for each c., and 0 for each d.
0-3: I’m sure you’re a lot of fun when you’re not busy being a dishonest version of what you think girls want. Don’t worry though, because some elves like their partners to appear perfect in public and silently resent them at home.
4-9: Since I took the time to write this quiz, I’m clearly already way more dedicated to our relationship than you are. But it’s okay; I have faith that you will encounter plenty of elves throughout your life who will be thrilled by the challenge and try desperately to change you.
10-15: If you wanted to write me an email that used proper spelling and contained at least five coherent sentences, I’d be happy to stop talking about elves and meet in person at some point. Especially if you’re far from looking like an elf—pointy ears are fine, but I’d love it if you were at least 6’ (because I am close to it).
16-18: You either lied about your answers or are a perfect human being. Either way I’m not interested, but I’m sure somewhere out there is an excessively eager, continually optimistic little elf who will be overjoyed to meet you.
True or False: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Fill in the blank: The most delicious holiday treat is__________.
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