Yes, I’m talking about you Mr. sarcastic, unreasonably self-assured, condescending prick. Words cannot describe my disappointment with your performance. I have one word for you: clitoris. That’s right: c-l-i-t-o-r-i-s….learn it, know it, love it. Like most women in this world, I require some stimulation in this area in order to have an orgasm and you seem to be completely oblivious to this little anatomical fact. Your blatant disregard of this key feature makes me want to find all your old girlfriends and slap the sh*t out of them for allowing you to be so oblivious as to how to please a woman. Now I am not an unreasonable woman. I understand that the female orgasm can be elusive and I don’t expect one every single time. Sex, in and of itself, is quite pleasurable. Well, it usually is. This was not the case, however, with you.
I don’t even know if you could call what we did sex. Sex, in my book anyway, usually lasts more than 2 minutes. In all honesty I don’t even think you lasted a solid 2 minutes. At your age that shouldn’t be a problem anymore. There are now many self-help guides and exercises to help you get a hold of your premature ejaculation problems. I suggest you do some research. Maybe try jerking off in the morning if you suspect you will be having sex later that evening. Maybe that can help…I really hope so. And that horrific attempt to get me off after your embarassing and untimely climax; you thought I was squirming in pleasure when really I was trying to control my bladder. I don’t know what the hell you were doing or what you thought you were doing, but it was just wrong. I thought you poked a hole in my bladder with your clumsy fingers. I finally had to fake it to get you to stop because you were not taking a hint. Slow and steady wins the race loverboy and you need to internalize that little fact before you go poking around somewhere that you are so obviously completely unfamiliar with.
And here’s another tip for you—foreplay usually involves a little bit more than one-sided oral sex (greedy sh*t) and over-attentiveness towards my breasts. You were a good kisser, I’ll give you that. But that was aggravating as well, like one of those movies that have the really great trailers and then is a total bomb. You are the reason that the women of this city have given up hope.
Ladies, men like these are not in the majority (thank god)! There are so many fabulous, sexy, skilled men in this city and unfortunately a few clueless *ssholes ruin it for the rest of them. I love the men of NYC and many have been very good to me, but you, my friend, are not one of those men. Buy some videos, books, anything, but please do something. No one can help you until you help yourself. Ugh, I can’t believe I took the time to shave my legs for that. Loser.