Do you have a psychotic girlfriend with whom you need to break up? Afraid to take that first difficult step? Concerned that she might freak out, break valuable objects, steal your cat, kick your dog? Dreading that pre-wailing drama ridden pause following those five terrible words, “I want to break up.” Well, have no fear friends because I have a service for you.
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For $50 and a 6-pack of beer, I will break up with your psychotic girlfriend for you. That’s right. For a limited time, this break up service is offered at the low, low introductory price of $50 and a 6-pack of beer. No contracts, no commitments, no hassles.
Choose from the following list of Excuses, Conciliatory Offers or Wounding Proclamations, and Parting Lines.
A. Excuses (includes old standards and blunt assertions)
1. It’s not you; it’s me.
2. I’m just not ready for a commitment right now.
3. You are psychotic and driving me insane.
4. Since being with you, I’ve discovered that I’m really straight.
B. Conciliatory Offers or Wounding Proclamations
1. You are the only woman I ever really loved.
2. I never really loved you.
3. You are the best lover I ever had. You gave me orgasmic pleasure beyond anything I have ever known.
4. You are the worst lover I ever had. I faked it every time.
C. Parting Lines
1. I’d like to stay friends.
2. I want you to keep our collection of trucker hats.
3. Don’t call me; I’ll call you.
4. I’m having my name legally changed and moving to a foreign country. Don’t follow me.
Or create your own break up speech for a more personal touch. Tell her how much you want to break up with her in your own words.
Take advantage of our 2-for-1 Tuesday and Buy-10-Get-1-Free offers.
Break up with that not-so-special someone today!
Psychotic Girlfriend Break Up Service, Inc. is not responsible for and not limited to the following actions taken by stated psychotic girlfriend: setting fire to personal possessions (including but not limited to trucker hats), destruction of anything signed by Melissa Etheridge, The Indigo Girls, Melissa Ferrick, etc., theft of items jointly purchased at Ikea, Crate & Barrel, and/or Pottery Barn. Personal break up speeches may be no more than three minutes in length. A pack of cigarettes surcharge will be added to final fee.