I just realized something... I'm about to miss the chance to have a 'Starter Marriage' with my 'Starter Wife'
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A starter marriage is one that lasts for 5 years or less, and ends before children begin (I'm thing one year to three years will be enough).
Being that I would like to eventually get married (for real) and have children I really need to get the ball rolling on this.
So maybe we haven't exactly met yet but that's no reason we shouldn't get married.
You see, a 'Starter Marriage' is like a starter home, we go into marriage expecting to divorce and trade up to something better. Also like a starter home, once we leave our first marriage, we'll learn what to look for, and what to avoid, the next time around.
We should marry for a few other reaons too...
1- You want to move out
If you're just finishing school and are still living with your parents, a starter marriage is a safe and efficient way to get out of your parents' house.
If your parents are driving you crazy and nagging you about when you're going to find yourself a nice man or move out? This'll shut 'em up.
You may even fall into the trap of thinking your "flavor of the month" is the love of your life and you should just move in with them just so you can split the rent.
Split it with me instead! We could save a ton.
So you, yes you! C'mon, let's get hitched.
2- Playing house.
Is there anyone out there who thinks that people shouldn't play at being married for experiment's sake? We should, and for the same reason people move in with a boyfriend or girlfriend - to get to know what it's going to be like beforehand.
Will you snap and kill someone who constantly leaves the toilet seat up?
Only one way to find out...
3- No drama.
You don't have to worry about prenups, lawyers' bills, settlements, alimony payments, and similar headache-inducing elements of a "traditional marriage."
4- Unlike a "traditional marriage..."
Did you ever want to get married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas? Completely shitfaced?
Not a problem.
Exchange vows jumping naked out of an airplane.
Want to get married and divorced the same day? Just to have a cool story to tell your friends?
Whatever! Who cares?
5- Piss off your parents.
So Mommy and Daddy has been opressive and overbearing your entire life?
I'll show up to meet them drunk riding a motorcycle to take my wife away from their wretched tyranny. Then you can tell them it's all their fault. We'll see who needs the therapy now.
Are your parents dead set against you marrying whitey? Ha! This'll show'em. Blankito en la casa!
Your parents want you to get married in temple to a nice Jewish boy? Mazel tov mother fuckers!
6- Make an ex want you back or just plain piss them off.
So your ex-boyfriend is jealous and manipulative and won't leave you alone since you've dumped his sorry ass? Not a problem. Show him how serious you are that it's over. If this doesn't clear it up I have big friends who do big things. And nobody, and I mean NOBODY fucks with my wife. Even if you are just my 'Starter Wife'.
Or maybe you want your boyfriend back but can't seem to pull it off?
Won't he wonder why you're not chasing him around anymore?
The whole time you can brag about how wonderful I treat you.
When he comes crawling back wondering what it is he lost he'll have a whole bunch of trumped up expectations to live up to. That'll show him.
(Be sure to remind him everyday how lucky he is that you left me for him.
Oh, and be sure to make a ton of unnecessry comparisons, ya know, just to keep him in check and unsure of himself)
How about that asshole ex-boyfriend who only told you he loved you and wanted to marry you because he wanted was anal, threesomes, and to make homemade porn? You really thought he was the one huh? Maybe you even did some of those things for him and he still didn't put the ring on your finger.
Well I'm sure when you tell that creep about how now that you're married you do all of those things and more... it'll fuck his head up real good.
7- For my Grandmothers
Ok, so this one is for me. I'm fairly certian they're still around because there waiting for one of there grandchildren to get married. And to be honest, I'm tired of them asking about the girl I was dating last year or three years ago. Seriously, that shit gets old real quick. I love them but enough is enough.
8- Speaking of family...
So your sister got married... when are YOU getting married.
Everyone is showing up with their boyfriend/fiance/husband, where's YOURS?
Your parents don't want you dating a black guy? Just wait until this white guy here turns you into an emotional basketcase (or so we'll pretend). Tell they I'm a verbally abusive drunk and a womanizer. I bet they'd rather you have a black boyfriend instead of a black eye.
Could you ever imagine your once-racist-dad saying:
"Hmmm... You should give that nice colored fella i didn't let you used to date a call, you know I always did like him..."
Now's your chance.
Do you have one of those over achieving sister who has to do everything better than you and before you do? HA BITCH! Who's laughing now?
9- Well, I really don't have a number 9, or a number 10 for that matter.
I think I've probably said enough already.
So future 'Starter Wife' I hope you're out there reading this.
I need to get cracking on my 'Starter Marriage'