Ahhh, Spring in Georgia!
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The weather is infuriatingly unpredictable, ants are preparing their assaults on our kitchens, and pollen has us by the nads.
So we're having a yardsale!
Or really, Mom is having a yard sale and I get to write the CraigsList ad. They used to let me make signs, too, but I kept zoning out and writing "YARD SARD" by accident and wasting all their poster board.
Seriously, fam... Mom has an entire storage building primarily allocated just for all the crap she doesn't need but refuses to get rid of if she thinks she can get a quarter for it, and that crap has your name on it.
Just think. . . our stuff. . . it could be your stuff. And it's good stuff. It's great stuff. IT'S STUFF THAT YOU NEED.
HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:
DATE: This Saturday!
HOW WILL THE WEATHER BE: Amazeballs.
IS THERE PLENTY OF PARKING: Sure.
CAN WE DRIVE ON THE GRASS: Yes.
ARE YOU NICE: Usually.
DO YOU LIKE DINOSAURS: Yes.
DO YOU HAVE ANY LORETTA LYNN ALBUMS: Unlikely.
ARE THERE DOG TURDS IN THE YARD: There shouldn't be, but if there are, blame the neighbors.
ARE YOUR KIDS GOING TO BE OUT SNEAKING BACK INSIDE ALL THEIR STUFF YOU'RE TRYING TO SELL? Probably. Come early!
WHAT WE GOT:
Goodies. Loot. Swag. Prizes. Fabulous, fabulous treasures.
Really though, I've only seen most of her crap in neon sticker covered mountains (see attached photos) and I'm still not done tagging all of my stuff that's been piled in my office forever because I just spent the last three hours jumping on a trampoline and arguing on the internet and bailing out my son in Minecraft.
Mom was supposed to send a list but forgot, so based on 30 years of yardsale experience, you can expect awesome stuff like...
- Bigger stuff
- Kid stuff
- Baby stuff
- Pieces of things (she's all about the 10 cent box)
- Kitchen stuff
- Ugly stuff
- Toys of varying quality (some even with batteries!)
- At least one weed eater, chain saw or similar yard appliance
- A basket of partially used soap and hygiene products, some likely with glitter
- Breakable things
- Fancy things
- Leftover Avon
- VHS tapes
- Trashy romance novels
- Probably some Harry Potter books too
- Something that looks like a boob that isn't actually a boob
- Things decorated with or having to do with cats
- Crap she cleaned out of my brother's old room (sorry Bud)
- Christmas stuff
- Kinky boots
- Probably something I'm forgetting that Dad will remind me of about noon tomorrow
- School supplies
- Weird movie soundtracks on CD
- Your mom
- Napkin rings that look like fish
EDIT: So it turns out Mom sent me a list like 4 days ago and I forgot. My bad. We also have...
- Motorcycle lift (new) $50
- Stacks of freeweights (10lb / 25lb)
- Vintage bubble gum machine, purses and dinosaur cookie jar
- Chairs and stools and other stuff you can sit on
- Like an antique rocking chair
- Hand blown glass, crystal, silverplate
- Ironing board!
- Old microwave!
- Small charcoal grill!
- Baskets omg
- New Cabalas hiking boots (10.5) and Rock steel toed boots (9.5) $25/ea
- Antique two-man cross cut saw and maybe some other vintage tools if Dad gets around to finding them
- Bicycle pump
- Victoria Secret bikini separates (size M), only worn a few times before my offspring destroyed my bikini body
- "D2: The Mighty Ducks" on VHS
- Heavy duty car/floor jack
- Boys shoes and clothing size 6m-7 (name brands and in good condition, some new)
- Queen size wooden bed
- DVDs and books
- Transparent dinosaur
- This big pink with green flowers mumu looking thing
- Boys authentic Harley Davidson jacket (size 7) $30
- Yo Kai Watch
- Wii Fit
- Xbox Lego Star Wars game, Xbox Spongebob game, Xbox 360 Skylanders games
- Consignment leftovers
- "I don't know, I still haven't opened a lot of the boxes"
- Aquarium and a hamsterless hamster cage
- Foofy tutus
- Old crap leftover from my grandparents' estates
- Assload of random junk my brother left in her carport when he moved from his college crashpad in Kennesaw to a new house here that is not my mom's house
OH ALSO... We have a limited number of Boy Scount Discount Cards for sale for $5/ea. Proceeds support Cub Scouts of Troop [number].
Looking for something else? She's probably got three of them somewhere. Just ask.
So basically, we've got a smorgasbord of stuff you'd expect at a yard sale, except OURS IS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S. Which is why you need it.
Please note the following though:
1. The cement pig is not for sale.
2. "Assload" is a real unit of the metric system.
3. There will be no actual or simulated sex at the yardsale. Pre-owned bras for sale are a possibility though.
4. Most of this stuff is Mom's or under her care. I don't know if it works or if she'll take less. Ask Mom. She's the nice lady with bangs and probably a fanny pack.
5. I have small children and work too much, so if you see someone looking like an exhausted dumpster fire staggering around in gym clothes authoritatively, that's probably me. Don't talk words to me before noon.