On a first date:
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I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.
I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".
I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding).
We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.
I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.
Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty
TOGETHER, WE WILL
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration
Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...
I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond
I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.
I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.
I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.
Bring your A-game, bitches.