I am a thirty-something who recently went back to college to finish my degree. Imagine my dismay when I walked in to that first classroom, and realized all the desks are made for jr. high students. You know the type; a chair with a platform for your books to rest on. Well, I am not a junior high student. I am the guy fat people hang around with when they want to look thin. I don’t just “take a seat”, I have to wedge myself in, and tuck my belly under the platform for the books. Generally, I can only get about one cheek on the chair.
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One morning in class, after a night of cheap beer and tacos, I had a rumbling in my bowels that told me I had one massive fart brewing. I was trying to decide if I should try and hold it, or do a “one cheek sneak” and let it out, when my uptight, prim and proper professor called on me to answer a question. This is the worst timing in the world for this. I am trying to concentrate on the question at hand, while the rumbling in my gut turns into a legion of butt demons doing a whirling dervish in my colon, screaming for release. Then it happened: a chorus of ass-trumpet loud enough to bring down the walls of Jericho. I farted so hard it hurt. There was a burning/itching sensation that made me think I blew out my sphincter for good. The noise was amplified by the hard wooden seat on the desk. After the echoes died down, I looked up at my professor. She had a look on her face I will never forget. It was a look of complete shock, disgust, and revulsion.
And then the horror. The HORROR. I started….Laughing! Not just a chuckle or giggle, we’re talking, wild-hysterical-“stop or I’ll pee myself” laughter. And the more I laughed, the more I farted. By this point, there was a cloud of butt bouquet so thick you could taste it. Eyes tearing….nose burning….belly hurts from laughing…I had to get out of there. I needed an obscure corner of the world to curl up and die of embarrassment in. To make my humiliation complete, as I stood up and tried to extricate my gargantuan buttocks from the little desk, I got stuck. The desk was pasted to my ass like a bug on a windshield.
I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!!!