So I had a little run-in with my doctor last year. I asked for a Plan B prescription - this was before it became readily available over the counter. Keep in mind that Plan B pill it is NOT an abortificant, it won't do anything if you already pregnant. My (Catholic) doctor raised both of his eyebrows and said in his most appalled tone of voice - "We don't do that here!" I am sorry? What?! You prescribe birth control, don't you? This is merely a double dose of birth control. Not RU-486 that causes a miscarriage, simply a pill that prevents pregnancy if your condom breaks or slips off while you fail miserably to execute a graceful flip from a reverse cowgirl to doggy style or vice versa. Nope. No good. He wouldn't give me a script. So here I am, a grown woman, with a health insurance and a FLEX plan, making an appointment with the local Planned Parenthood. You know, the same PP that us teenage girls used in college so the parents wouldn't find out what we were up to. I was at least 10 years older than the average patient there. In the end, it took me three weeks to get my hands on Plan B last summer, the irony is, the medication has to be taken within 24-48 hours to be effective. Good thing I didn't need it urgently or anything.
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In any case, that's how my relationship with Planned Parenthood got started - big F.U. to the schmuck who wanted to impose his religious beliefs on my health and lifestyle. Today, I had my annual exam, because I am one of those "happily promiscuous" women, and when I say I am D&D free, I want to be damn sure that it's true. For my own peace of mind, if not yours. The legs-in-the-stirrups part went as smoothly as KY jelly on two fingers, nurse practioner making it as easy as one can expect under the circumstances. She cheerfully declared that everything looks great and sat down to discuss the rest of my paperwork.
Have you ever seen those multi-page double-sided health history questionnaires they make you fill out? There are no less than three places where you have to indicate when was the last time you had sex (er... half hour before the appointment? I showered! Really! I did!). Then indicate what kind of sex you usually have (check all that apply): oral, anal, vaginal. Gender of your partners: Male, female, both. You get the idea.
I could see the nurse's eyes get a little bigger as she read my answers. Then she paused and asked me how many partners I had in the last 90 days. I was caught off guard by an unexpected question, still half naked and draped with a flimsy paper towel. I can't think well when my pants are off, which come to think of it, explains quite a bit about my life. I stalled a bit, asking innocently if I missed that question somehow, while in the back of my mind I was panicking, desperately trying to remember every Dick I met in the last 90 days and how fucking long ago did I meet that guy from Minneapolis and god dammit I need to peruse NSA section a little less and for real how many did I fuck and do I have to count random blow jobs or having sex with an ex-boyfriend omg I can't tell her THAT number am I really such a slut she is going to call CDC and a swat team in biohazard suits will show up for pete's sake!!! I finally squeaked out a number. She did a double take. That many? In the last 90 days? I stammered and said "let's not go there". Really, I know how fucked up I am, but I definitely did not check Yes on the question "do you have any concerns about sex you would like to discuss today?".
The nurse, without missing a beat, said "You know what, have as many partners as you want! Just practice safe sex!" and opened up a medicine cabinet. "Here are a few for the road!" she chirped, dumping rolls of condoms in a little goody bag with pamphlets she had sitting on the table next to my chart. Shocked that someone can be so accepting, I stuttered and said "Just how many do you think I need?!" She smiled and said "As many as it takes!" I was speechless. Thank you, nurse practioner. You rock. You were absolutely wonderful today. You not only had an outstanding bedside manner that more than a few doctors should acquire but you also showed genuine kindness and understanding that is so rarely seen anywhere today, much less in medical profession. Most of all, thank you for not judging and thank you for supporting me.
And as long as I am on the subject of support, I would like to remind everyone who bemoans that Planned Parenthood supports abortion, that they also provide reduced fee STI testing and condoms to those who otherwise wouldn't have either, curbing spread of diseases throughout general public. For many, Planned Parenthood is their only access to affordable reproductive health care. And if you think that your holier than though persona doesn't have to worry about it, go through the nearest Craigslist NSA section and see how many married religious business professionals are out there looking for random play (I should know, I slept with a few of them). Then think about it again. Then write a check to Planned Parenthood, along with a thank you note.
So long story short, tomorrow is a Friday night, I have about five dozen condoms here and a clean bill of health. Anyone wants to go out for drinks?