Ursprünglich veröffentlicht: 2009-08-12 09:45 (no longer live)

things you could learn from my transgendered boyfriend

Around craigslist there are a lot of public service announcements, people complaining about or suggesting what their ideal partner should be like. Most of these psa's feature a perverted, low-class guy requesting a young brain-dead nymphomaniac, or a radical feminist chick. The problem, I think, is the disconnect between the genders. Men blame their bizarre standards on testosterone, and women claim to be more cerebral and emotional.
My boyfriend is transgendered, and so lived until the age of 14 as girl full-time, then transitioned and is now completely and totally male. But he has lived both genders and knows the shit that each of them has to put up with! I think his enlightened attitude could help us all understand dating and relationships better, because he's been burned both as a girl and as a man.
He's too shy to do this himself, but let me condense his philosophy of sex and dating:
1. Treat people respectfully. Women do like having a partner that is attracted to them--even in that hungry, sex-wild way--but objectification is really unsexy. So, guys, respect that women are people, not just breasts.
2. Give up on understanding the other gender. Men will never understand what it feels like to be seriously sexually harassed or feel physically helpless against rape in the same way that women do. Women will never understand the pressure to stereotypically make money, put together the furniture from IKEA, and be a rock like men are supposed to. Advertising, movies, etc have brainwashed all of us into our gender roles, and we each think we have it bad. But this isn't a contest. Just be ready to concede that life sucks all around and no one but marketing specialists and beauty pageant coordinators is really responsible for it.
3. Guys, keep your perversions to yourselves. Your hormones might be screaming at you that the chick working the counter at Chipotle is totally fuckable, but keep it to yourself. Your girlfriend is likely not interested.
4. Ladies, learn to take a deep breath before freaking out. It's hard, I know. Our stupid hormones make us flip out more than we want to and sometimes feel out of control. But things will mellow out, often sooner rather than later if you stay calm.
5. Everyone needs to learn to compromise. Don't think that you understand how badly it might hurt your partner if you get a lapdance or cut your hair too short. Talk things through with the people you love. And play fair. If he's allowed a lapdance so is she. It's all about compromise and the rules change between every relationship.
6. Never say "my ex let me go to topless clubs with my friends" or "my ex let me pluck his eyebrows for him" or "my ex would go down on me as soon as I got home from work." Your ex isn't fucking here, are they? And believe it or not, your ex may have let you get away with murder--or, even worse, excessive manscaping--because of a low self-confidence problem. If your partner has the balls/ovaries to put their foot down about something, respect that they are mature and open enough to dialog about it instead of keeping it bottled up.
7. It's all about communication. Don't assume things. Don't assume that she'll hate the action comedy or that he hasn't seen the Notebook. Don't assume your bisexual girlfriend is automatically down for a threesome.
8. Don't try putting yourself in their shoes. Talk, listen, support, but don't ever lie and say that you really understand what someone has been through.
9. Guys, don't demand that a woman keep your house for you unless you are prepared to become the sole breadwinner for the household. Choose a decade to live in and stick to that decision.
10. Everyone--if monogamy is not for you, don't try. A lot of people have healthy, happy lives with nsa sex partners or no sex partners at all. A successful relationship is not necessary for a successful life. Many hearts have been broken by that guy/girl that tried to make it work but couldn't because some people are just polyamorous. Just be honest about it. And get friends that support you.
11. Don't force monogamy or polyamory on anyone else. People are kind of born leaning one way or the other. It's like trying to turn your friend straight so that you can be together. Not happening.
12. Have realistic expectations about your partner. Most men cannot have rippling muscles or earn six figures. Most women are not porn star/Betty Crocker hybrids. We're all just people that need to get over superficial stuff.
This is our attempt to have a more fair and balanced dating guide. Just be happy with who you are.

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