Originally Posted: 2008-01-08 9:15pm
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favorite this post Dear Potential Roommates... (Las Vegas) hide this posting unhide

Dear Potential Roommates...

Even though I have the room to rent in my house I don't desperately need the extra rent money to make ends meet. Because of this I think I can be somewhat selective when choosing someone to share my place. Unfortunately, I haven't found a decent ad worth contacting for some time now. For it seems that the Las Vegas "Housing Wanted" ads are very unrealistic and more disheartening than ever. I'd like to point out a few gripes that I, as your potential roommate and landlord, would like to bring up about the ads you've placed.

• Rent including utilities for $400 and under per month? Pffft!
This is my biggest beef. Yes, we all love a bargain but this is ridiculous. I understand that your basis for what rent and utilities might cost is still based on your hometown of Buttfuck, KY's cost-of-living chart. This is not Buttfuck, KY. It's Las Vegas, NV and it costs a nice sum to live here comfortably without having to live in the ghetto or with 10 other roommates. Did you know that the cost of electricity has risen over 60% since 2000? 60%! It's not uncommon for a summertime power bill to be well over $250 or more no matter how hard you try to conserve. On top of that, you also have to worry about water (a scarce commodity here), gas, cable, trash, sewer, etc. That shit adds up. Welcome to Las Vegas.

Taking this gripe down a different avenue, I'd like to pimp slap you cheap, $400-and-under schmoes who think nothing of being overly picky. You want to live in Summerlin or, better yet, a penthouse on The Strip. You demand access to a heated pool, gym, free wi-fi, once a week maid service, will not accept anything less than a whole hog HBO/Showtime digital package, and will not live anywhere that doesn't have a water softening system because you tend to suffer from dry skin. Yet, you are only willing to pay $400 and not one penny more! Oh yeah, you also MUST have a place on a busline because you don't have a car. It sucks that Mom and Dad kicked you out of the basement, but this is real life. Let me be the first to tell you that you will never have it as good again.

• You'd like a "pet friendly" place because you have 4 dogs, 3 cats, a bird, rabbit, and a snake
I love animals dearly. I even have a dog myself . But you, potential roommate, have a flippin' farm. I see you post over and over with more pleading intensity with every post looking for something "pet friendly". Did you know that most city ordinances have limits on the number of animals allowed per household? For the City of Las Vegas, it's 3. Not 3 of each species, 3 total combined number of animals. Hey, I don't make the rules here but they are a good guideline for us all. Next time, you should think twice before you adopt another passenger for your ark. Noah had an excuse for all his beasts but at least he owned the damn ship, he didn't rent it.

For those that only have a cat or two, I've considered emailing you about my vacant room. Then I envision my dog eating your cat(s) - OOPS!, remember how much I hate the smell of cat piss and I stop typing.

• Roommate with "benefits", nudists, swingers, etc.
I believe in honesty and thanks for being open about your lifestyle choices. I appreciate it. But frankly, the thought of someone running around the house naked, save for my out-of-town boyfriend or Hugh Jackman, makes me cringe. Besides, I have a light colored couch and the thought of a nudist's butthole and/or ballsac rubbing on the cushions makes me gag. Hugh Jackman's butthole/ballsac is perfectly ok though.

• People who need no/low security deposit, no credit check, no questions asked
Hell no to all of the above. I also refuse to take food stamps or trade for used merchandise in lieu of rent. Either save up for that stuff and/or tell yourself "Now's not a good time to move".

• 420 Friendlies
I'm a pretty easy going person and I don't condemn those who choose to puff the herb but I certainly don't call myself "420 friendly". I'm more of an acquaintance of 420. I'd recognize it at a party or something but we don't go grab dinner together or know each other's last names. With that said, I don't feel comfortable inviting 420 to my house. Yeah, I know you two will just hole up in your room and not bother anyone all night. Fact is, 420 smells funny and I like that my house smells like Pier 1 candles and a eucalyptus Christmas wreath. You're welcome to go to my neighbor's house when 420 is a welcomed and esteemed guest. If you do bring 420 over, it will disappear and suddenly I will have Christmas gifts for all of my stoner friends.

• Those who need a hand-up or want to exchange services for rent
Giving feels good. I donate to Opportunity Village when I can, shop at charity stores by choice, I even have part of my weekly paycheck syphoned off for United Way. While I feel deeply saddened that you've fallen on hard times, I can only give you advice. When it comes to CL, hard luck stories are a red flag unless you're a fat girl looking for a fuck buddy. Your requests become downright cringe-worthy when you throw the prayers to varying religious icons in there. Since you have access to a computer (maybe even own the damn computer itself!) AND have a cell phone where you can be contacted I can safely assume that you're not doing as bad off as you think. Be thankful and think "Hey! Things could be worse" and then stop posting or get a little better at faking near-poverty.

• The lack of details guy/girl
Your ad is this short. You might put a phone number. You might not. I might respond. Or I might not.

Bottom line is I guess I really can't complain since CL is free and you really do get what you pay for.

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