Originally Posted: 2005-11-30 10:53am
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favorite this post Anal Sex: If she doesn't like it, you're not doing it right. hide this posting unhide

Oh come on! Can you really be that stupid to think that you can "sneak" something up her ass? Of course, she was obviously just as clueless about it as you if you were "sobbing yourself to sleep" after she tried her vibrator on you.

Clumsiness is unbecoming in a lover, so if you want to be coming in your lover, you'd better know what you're doing.

I have *never* met a woman who didn't like it up the butt. Perhaps not at first because of misconceptions about it or the failures of inadequate former lovers, but when they were finally with someone who knew what he was doing back there, they learned why pleasuring the 100,000+ nerve endings in the backdoor can be more fun than the 20,000 in the front.

Besides, it adds a "dirty/naughty/nasty little slut" feeling that you can't achieve vaginally. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "bbb...b..bbut I'm not supposed to like anything THERE!" as she's bucking around so much with a finger up her bottom (and sometimes one tickling her G-spot in the front, too) that I can barely keep her clit in my mouth.

I didn't mean to spend this much time on what was originally going to be a smart-assed reply, but if I'm anything, it's thorough, so here's my newly created...

Guidelines for Anyone Thinking About Shoving Anything Up Anyone Else's Butt in a Safe and Pleasurable Manner
(written for the male, but applicable to everyone of legal age. All quotations are real and I've heard them numerous times.
I've tried to be an Equal Opportunity Offender and tittilate with this article, so you'll find some man-bashing and some locker room jokes interspersed throughout.)

  1. I'll say this on her behalf, "Do a LITTLE fucking research before you attempt any Anal Plundering & Pillaging, moron!" Most women won't say that, so I will say it for them. Read that again. If you're truly interested in butt sex, then read about it. Learn about it. Get to know it. Watching some coked up, uncle molested bleach blond whore in "Country Anal Angels 5: The Poop Scootin' Boogie" doesn't fucking count, jackass.

    If you can't be bothered to read and learn about the...(well, I don't wanna, but I'll just say it) "ins and outs" of anal intercourse, don't even bother mentioning it to her.

    If you can know the all the stats of that damned football team dating back to SuperBowl I or know how to properly set the timing on your engine, then you can damned well take the time to learn how to fuck your woman properly in the ass.

  2. Treat her bunghole better than the way you'd want yours treated. Would you like the doctor to shove a half lubed, half bone dry tube up your brown eyed wonder winky? No??? Well, neither would she.

  3. Proooceeeeeeed slooooooowlllly at first. Start with something small like a little dildo (see note below), small buttplug, your finger (gloved or ungloved) with enough lube to make it easy going, then about 10% more. Have her relax. Start by tickling her sphincter, not just ramming it straight in like it's some sort of new Downhill Race to My Knuckle on the X-Games.

    Tickle it, swirl around it, suck her clitty simultaneously. Make use of those nerve endings and use them to your advantage. Give her some butt-foreplay and pretty soon it will start feeling "empty...lonely" and "needing something" in it.

    Then go in a little further and take your time while you're doing it. Slowly continue the circles and it won't be long until she "needs more".

  4. Lather, rinse, repeat. (well, OK, don't "rinse") Get her to enjoy two or three fingers before you try plowing her virgin garden with the mighty manly sausage o' love. Your fingers have the advantage of being "incremental". Two fingers is only slightly more than one which is only slightly more than none.

    Your cock isn't. It goes from nothing to something with very little transition. That's useful later, but not to an anal virgin.

  5. You're lubing an asshole, not packing your wheel bearings. Would you like to walk around with a greasy, Vaselined crack for two days because of ten minutes of pleasure? Neither will she.

    You don't have to use some petroleum based grease to get in there initially. Of course, that may not apply to extended anal sessions later. You don't even have to use some special anal lube. Waterbased lubes clean up with soap and water. Use 'em! Brands like Wet and (our favorite) Liquid Silk are fantastic anal lubes.

    Keep it handy, though. Her butt isn't "self basting" (sorry, it's November) like her vagina is. If you sense things drying up, take the upper hand and squirt a little more on, you moron.

    (sidenote: Be sure you don't leave anything labeled "Anal Lube" or "Ass Grease" on the table when someone's taking a digital picture of you.)

  6. DANGEROUS ROAD AHEAD - PROCEED WITH CAUTION So you finally have the chance to put your cock/favorite dildo/buttplug where all that sunshine comes out.

    • Lube that thing. Use a condom if you aren't disease free and mutually SEXclusive.
    • Take it slowly. Remember the transition period that the head of your cock does not provide.
    • Let her "adjust" to to fullness of it.
    • Take your friction on the "out" When you're finally in, don't start fucking it like a cunt.
    • Don't let her hole slam shut. Don't pull all the way out then slam it back in, even if she likes that in her pussy. "Why?" you ask, because her asshole isn't her pussy. (Chances are that you are her asshole, but I digress.)
      There isn't a rubber band constantly trying to close the entrance to her vagina to keep things out, (the proper term for that is a "wedding band", HAH!) so you have to treat it differently.
      While you can do this later when you're both a lot more experienced anally, don't do it now.

  7. Positions
    • Doggie style first. Enjoy seeing her butt and back for awhile. Get to know what you're doing before you try...
    • Missionary - Yes, it's possible to fuck a woman in the ass and see the expression on her face when she cums.
    • Sideways, slantways, crossways - aka, the Wonkavator - if she really wants it deep, turn her on her side and put one of her legs in the air. Then just lean forwards.
    • Double Penetration - Yes, your woman can be a girl of "double penetration", too. Just try not to cum from the vibrator in her pussy, 'cause then you'd be gay. :-)
      • Digital DP - A subset of the above is fingering both holes while you're licking her clitty. Just keep track of which ones go where. (sidenote: this is an amazing way to warm your hand.) aka "The Clamshucker": two in the pink, two in the stink.
    • Turnabout's Fair Play- Yup, it is. Don't expect her to submit to your filhty perversions, you bastard, if you won't let her do it to you. You may/probably will end up liking it since you have just as many nerve endings there as does she.

      You're not gay until you're cooling off with a Zima after installing the tracklighting for your buddy "Steve".

  8. Don't be rude! Few and far between are the women who can come 100% from anal stimulation (unlike you....YES YOU. If you still have your prostate, you could actually be forced to ejaculate by rubbing it with a finger.) Don't be a dick and make her masturbate herself. Give her the ultimate gift*: a reach-around and do it for her.

    * "ultimate" as far as I don't know a better gift to give while your penis is in their rectum.

    Speaking of being a Gentleman ButtFucker, a warm washcloth, wiped gently front to back first, then only around and towards the anal area, is usually appreciated after you've just slammed your salami into her hieney for a half hour.

  9. DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! - Be sure to listen to her when she cums. The window of opportunity for you may be closing if it's her final, rip roaring orgasm, so be prepared. Hell, by that point, most men have been thinking about Harry Carry singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" for awhile.

  10. Don't do anything that could cause a trip to the hospital. This includes fucking with dildos that could be lost (there's a reason why buttplugs have that base), anything made out of regular glass (Pyrex and borosilicate glass dildos excluded, light bulbs definitely INCLUDED), or anything that could be pinched in two by an orgasmic anus. There's nothing that will bring a woman back down to earth with a rock solid THUD than realizing that you only have half of that 1/4 pound weiner from Costco in your hand.

    By the way, did you know that some candles melt at body temperature and that some colored candles from overseas use lead in the color coat?

    Things that can cause a trip to the hospital also includes...
    Hole Jumping - In short, there's a reason why poop comes out where it does. All of the flora and fauna in our bodies have specific purposes and they shouldn't mix. Well, the truth is that they can mix, but in one direction only: pussy -> butt. (No one I know has ever had any trouble with it, but I'm not a doctor. (I do, however, play one in the bedroom.))

    After something comes out of her butt, absolutely under no circumstances should it go anywhere but to the sink to be washed or to a "staging towel", but you know what I mean. This goes for your dick, too. Don't be rubbing it anywhere.

    If she has go to her doctor because of an infection, the doctor will know that it's all because of her asshole...the one she used to date.

    What about YOU, though? What about YOUR NEEDS? - Well, if you do get a little dirty, then good. it's an asshole, you idiot. At least you're not going to get her pregnant, just take a shower and use some antibacterial soap.

    Oh, and grow some nuts if you're going to be pussy about it.

    Speaking of...

  11. But, there's poop in there! You know what? There probably is. What are you, afraid of it? You only have to worry about there not being any poop in her rectum because you're not that fucking big, Mr. Holmes.

    If company's coming over, you clean house, right? Do the same here. If either of you are concerned about getting "shit dick", check with a finger first. Besides, she really won't want you pushing a turd back inside with your manhood any more than you want to do it, so clean house with a bulb full of water from an enema syringe, postpone the anal play, or put on a ribbed condom for better traction in the mud..

    (Speaking of the E-word, you don't really want to do a whole bag nor a Fleet disposable. Chances are that, unless you're playing with an klismaphiliac, she won't be that into..well, going to those depths and chances are even better that she won't get all of the water out, anyway. A Fleet disposable enema works not by squirting water up there, but by using a highly salted solution that draws water out of her body and into her colon to increase the mass and cause an evacuation.

    That's definitely not the way to avoid shit dick.

    Of course, if you're into the whole medical scene thing, then good for you!)

    I apologize for using the term "shit dick", but I'm simply giggling too much over it to change it. :-)

    So, there you have it. What I learned from reading all of those sex (and medical) manuals when I was a teenager and from hundreds of times actually fucking women in the ass.

    Is this the be all, end all of anal sex? No, but if you violate one of the guidelines, you run the risk of removing the word "Pleasurable" from in front of "Manner", and that could get you in....oh, geez, well I gotta say it...in deep doo-doo. submitted to Craigslist, November 30, 2005 by a man whose wonderful wife doesn't wonder if she will cum when we have sex, but "how many times until he lets me stop".

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