QR Code Link to This Post
Clumsiness is unbecoming in a lover, so if you want to be coming in your lover, you'd better know what you're doing.
I have *never* met a woman who didn't like it up the butt. Perhaps not at first because of misconceptions about it or the failures of inadequate former lovers, but when they were finally with someone who knew what he was doing back there, they learned why pleasuring the 100,000+ nerve endings in the backdoor can be more fun than the 20,000 in the front.
Besides, it adds a "dirty/naughty/nasty little slut" feeling that you can't achieve vaginally. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "bbb...b..bbut I'm not supposed to like anything THERE!" as she's bucking around so much with a finger up her bottom (and sometimes one tickling her G-spot in the front, too) that I can barely keep her clit in my mouth.
I didn't mean to spend this much time on what was originally going to be a smart-assed reply, but if I'm anything, it's thorough, so here's my newly created...
If you can't be bothered to read and learn about the...(well, I don't wanna, but I'll just say it) "ins and outs" of anal intercourse, don't even bother mentioning it to her.
If you can know the all the stats of that damned football team dating back to SuperBowl I or know how to properly set the timing on your engine, then you can damned well take the time to learn how to fuck your woman properly in the ass.
Tickle it, swirl around it, suck her clitty simultaneously. Make use of those nerve endings and use them to your advantage. Give her some butt-foreplay and pretty soon it will start feeling "empty...lonely" and "needing something" in it.
Then go in a little further and take your time while you're doing it. Slowly continue the circles and it won't be long until she "needs more".
Your cock isn't. It goes from nothing to something with very little transition. That's useful later, but not to an anal virgin.
You don't have to use some petroleum based grease to get in there initially. Of course, that may not apply to extended anal sessions later. You don't even have to use some special anal lube. Waterbased lubes clean up with soap and water. Use 'em! Brands like Wet and (our favorite) Liquid Silk are fantastic anal lubes.
Keep it handy, though. Her butt isn't "self basting" (sorry, it's November) like her vagina is. If you sense things drying up, take the upper hand and squirt a little more on, you moron.
(sidenote: Be sure you don't leave anything labeled "Anal Lube" or "Ass Grease" on the table when someone's taking a digital picture of you.)
You're not gay until you're cooling off with a Zima after installing the tracklighting for your buddy "Steve".
* "ultimate" as far as I don't know a better gift to give while your penis is in their rectum.
Speaking of being a Gentleman ButtFucker, a warm washcloth, wiped gently front to back first, then only around and towards the anal area, is usually appreciated after you've just slammed your salami into her hieney for a half hour.
By the way, did you know that some candles melt at body temperature and that some colored candles from overseas use lead in the color coat?
Things that can cause a trip to the hospital also includes...
Hole Jumping - In short, there's a reason why poop comes out where it does. All of the flora and fauna in our bodies have specific purposes and they shouldn't mix. Well, the truth is that they can mix, but in one direction only: pussy -> butt. (No one I know has ever had any trouble with it, but I'm not a doctor. (I do, however, play one in the bedroom.))
After something comes out of her butt, absolutely under no circumstances should it go anywhere but to the sink to be washed or to a "staging towel", but you know what I mean. This goes for your dick, too. Don't be rubbing it anywhere.
If she has go to her doctor because of an infection, the doctor will know that it's all because of her asshole...the one she used to date.
What about YOU, though? What about YOUR NEEDS? - Well, if you do get a little dirty, then good. it's an asshole, you idiot. At least you're not going to get her pregnant, just take a shower and use some antibacterial soap.
Oh, and grow some nuts if you're going to be pussy about it.
If company's coming over, you clean house, right? Do the same here. If either of you are concerned about getting "shit dick", check with a finger first. Besides, she really won't want you pushing a turd back inside with your manhood any more than you want to do it, so clean house with a bulb full of water from an enema syringe, postpone the anal play, or put on a ribbed condom for better traction in the mud..
(Speaking of the E-word, you don't really want to do a whole bag nor a Fleet disposable. Chances are that, unless you're playing with an klismaphiliac, she won't be that into..well, going to those depths and chances are even better that she won't get all of the water out, anyway. A Fleet disposable enema works not by squirting water up there, but by using a highly salted solution that draws water out of her body and into her colon to increase the mass and cause an evacuation.
That's definitely not the way to avoid shit dick.
Of course, if you're into the whole medical scene thing, then good for you!)
I apologize for using the term "shit dick", but I'm simply giggling too much over it to change it. :-)
So, there you have it. What I learned from reading all of those sex (and medical) manuals when I was a teenager and from hundreds of times actually fucking women in the ass.
Is this the be all, end all of anal sex? No, but if you violate one of the guidelines, you run the risk of removing the word "Pleasurable" from in front of "Manner", and that could get you in....oh, geez, well I gotta say it...in deep doo-doo. submitted to Craigslist, November 30, 2005 by a man whose wonderful wife doesn't wonder if she will cum when we have sex, but "how many times until he lets me stop".
post id: 114790692