Bad News About The Screeching Bird on Rossmore......
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Do you own a bird? Do you live on Rossmore Avenue? If so, I'm afraid I must give you some bad news: Your bird is possessed by the Devil.
I know, it's never easy to hear this. But I have 40 years experience doing exorcisms for the church, and there is no other explanation for the Pterodactyl-like screeching sounds it makes day and night. In my expert opinion, the only way to set your bird free is to literally set it free. Open a window and allow it to fly away.
Knowing that your bird won't have the same captive audience in every resident of Rossmore Avenue, The Prince of Darkness will reluctantly release his grip on your bird's soul. If you want your bird to live in peace, this is the only way. Also moving to a new neighborhood will do the trick.