Originally Posted: 2004-06-09 10:23am
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favorite this post ARE YOU 70, FUN AND SEXLESS? YOU’RE PERFECT FOR MY MOTHER! - w4w hide this posting unhide

First, let me state that I LOVE MY MOTHER. She is one of the most amazing, dynamic, FUNNY, loving people I know. She taught me the meaning of unconditional LOVE, and a well-delivered punch-line.

However… a year ago I bought her a house ten blocks from mine in Pasadena, and brought her here from Muskogee Oklahoma so we could see each other a lot more. And it’s been wonderful, but… she is getting on my nerves a little. She engages in a lot of nervous old lady behavior that drives me nuts. She tells me how to drive, calls me up and REMINDS me of things like, “Call your doctor for an appointment.” And WORST, she tells me HOW TO USE THE goddamn MICROWAVE like I am retarded, and not 43 years old, and having managed to use a microwave for 30 years with NO HORRIBLE MICROWAVE MALFUNCTIONS. Still, she tells me, whenever I put ANYTHING IN THE MICROWAVE, how long I should “zap” it for.

Okay… so, aside from that stuff, which she only pulls on ME, she’s a swell broad. She just needs to make a friend or two. The problem is, SHE’S NOT OLD. Most of the time she is damn funny. She’s an avid reader, an avid gardener ( she volunteers at the Huntington Gardens, and they love her).

She has what I call USEFUL SKILLS. She not only sews, she’s a friggin’ seamstress. She knows how to CAN shit. Like fruit. She could make JAM if she had to. She has a meat grinder, and grinds her own chicken for chicken salad. She’s a great cook. She is a nurse, and knows a LOT about medications and shit, so if YOU are 70, that is VERY USEFUL. She was a hospice nurse for the last ten years so she also has a huge storehouse of stories about people croaking that will give you goose bumps.

She’s very smart, but not in, like, an intellectual way. She doesn’t have perfect grammar. SHE MAKES UP WORDS. My brother and I call them HYBRID words, because they are usually a combination of one ore more words that then make an EVEN better word.

Like: FLUSTRATED. “I am so FLUSTRATED!” A hybrid of Flustered and Frustrated. You can be flustered, and you can be frustrated, but what if you are BOTH? FLUSTRATED! That’s what!

Or PHANTOM as in “That seems so difficult that I can’t even PHANTOM it.” It’s better than FATHOM, since a Phantom is ethereal and hard to grasp.

We DO NOT CORRECT HER when these words come up, and YOU SHOULDN’T EITHER. We don’t want to stop them from popping up in her conversation.

The reason I am posting here is my mother is just not STANDARD. We went by the Senior Center in Pasadena, and it’s just NOT HER. She’s not SENIOR. She’s fully engaged in the world. Biting wit, well-read, up for anything… fun at parties. Hilariously self deprecating. Sort of a pretty, petite Ann Richards.

She has always had friends of all ages. People in their thirties would go out of their way to find something to do with her. She’s just FUN.

Her ex-husband, John, is still close to her. She actually saved his life by correctly identifying that he was having a heart attack, and driving him to go to the hospital. (USEFUL SKILL) She then nursed him back to health. He nursed her through a broken shoulder from a mugging, including helping her bathe and change her clothes. This is after they were divorced. So, that leads me to believe that she’s a great friend, someone people go out of their way to spend time with.

So, maybe you have a 70 year old or YOUNGER parent/friend, who would like to make friends with the woman I credit with making me the awesome person I am today. If they are male, they have to HAVE NO SEX DRIVE. She’s seventy for chrissakes, she doesn’t want some old guy rutting around on her.

She needs someone who likes to try new stuff, and who is easy going and fun. Someone who likes to read and share books. It would be nice too, if they know of fun stuff to do, or if they read the paper and find out about something new to do. That’s my mom. Since she moved here I have done things for the first time after living here for 15 years. Things she would read about and arrange. Things like: 1) Going to Santa Anita for the first time for a seminar on how to bet on the horses, and winning over $300. 2) Decorating a Rose Parade float. 3) Going to the Garment District downtown and buying amazing fabric for only $6 a yard.

It would be great if she had a friend who also did stuff like that. She doesn’t need any movers or shakers. She’s not like JANE FONDA 70, she’s NORMAL AMERICA 70. And, oh yeah, she’s a democrat and a liberal.

Plus, for a limited time only, you will get ME as a bonus! I am a middle aged overweight lesbian with a life partner! How cool is that!?

Email me a little bit about your older friend, or if you ARE that older person, tell me something about yourself. My mother is petite and pretty with beautiful silver hair, and blazing blue eyes. She is a former RODEO QUEEN. People respond to her a lot as if she were an adorable pet.

WE PREFER LADY FRIENDS for our mom. But, if you are a GENTLEMAN, then that’s okay too.


Hope to hear from you soon.

this is in or around Pasadena, CA

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